This year.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It’s hard to believe that 2008 is over already. It seems like just yesterday I was making my 2008 new years resolutions. I can honestly say it’s been one of the best years of my life. The beginning was kinda shaky, but like everyone does I fought through, lost some friends but made other relationships stronger. I got 2 amazing roommates in a beautiful apartment. I celebrated my 21st birthday, twice, with my amazing family and friends. I witnessed two beautiful weddings and the power of love. I got reacquainted with an old friend. I started my senior year at Pepperdine, I started this blog ☺ I grew up a lot, I fell down more and yet I learned more about myself then I thought possible. I found my strengths and tried to understand my weaknesses a little more. I cried, but I laughed more.

One thing, I’m not going to do this year is make resolutions. That sounds super pessimistic and debby downerish, but my thoughts on resolutions is that, when you think of it as a resolution it allows you to break it, because most resolutions are. So, this year I’m going to set goals, because goals can’t ever been broken, they can change and modify and grow, but they can never break.

At the beginning of 2008 I was so scared of growing up, and moving on and the inevitable change I knew was coming, but after seeing the wonders of 2008, I’m even more excited to venture into 2009. It’s time for graduation, more birthdays, more relationships & much more life. So here’s to more growing, more moving and more changing and the hope of the new year.

Happy new years, may all your goals come true.

Meaning in the midst of chaos.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Today is the day we set everything aside and try to find some meaning in the chaos of the world around us. So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who’ll argue, the one’s who’ll tell you it’s all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment.

So look to those who mean the most, spend it with people who matter, worry tomorrow & celebrate today. Enjoy every smile, every moment and every laugh. Take your time, relax, remember and don’t make a fuss. Eat fatty foods and sugary desserts; rip open presents with reckless abandon & bask in the beauty of a light Christmas tree. Because these are the things that matter. These are the moments you’ll remember. These are the people you’ll cherish. Because that’s what it’s all about, finding the one serene, beautiful moment, when the world and everything in it makes sense. It’s rare. And it doesn’t get handed to you on a platter. Which is why you’ve got an entire day to look for it.

Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday Mom <3

You'll shoot your eye out.

all day- christmas day. merry christmas to me.

Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

Be glad of life.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work,
to play, and to look up at the stars."

Henry Van Dyke

Reunited and it feels so good.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So, this might sound a little melodramatic, but think zoey 101 (sans pregnancy) meets a toned-down gossip girl without as much fashion IQ or xanex… Tonight it happened -the fab five (don’t kill me) came back. It was totally better than a 90210 reunion party would be with Brandon and Kelly staying together, hard to imagine right? I kind of felt like we stepped back in to 2005 minus the Dennis uniforms and with a little more edge and life experience.

But nonetheless, it was best friends, since 1st grade, 7th grade, 9th grade getting together to just, be together. The 5 of us haven’t been in the same place in over a year, and stepping back into our unchanging Starbucks, it felt as it we’d never left. Granted we had a little more to talk about, hash out, laugh about, and yet while we’ve all changed & grown apart, its like we are starting to grow back together.

There was a point in our conversation where I sat back and just kind of watched, not in a stalker clay aiken, “invisible” way, but just observing. it was one of the best feelings, sitting there with my best friends, who have been there for me and vice versa in so many different ways, all reminiscing about the past and all talking about the future.

We don’t have to talk everyday let alone see each other every day, but the five of us have this bond that, I honestly believe, is not going to go away or break. For all those critics out there, I’m not naive, I understand people go away & fall apart, but the five of us are like those annoying ex-boyfriends that no matter what you do, you can’t ever get rid of. We’re here to stay, we’re going to make it through the thick and thin.

This isn’t one of those reunions that will become old like Tila Tequila reunion shows, so stay tuned, it can only get better.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

There’s nothing scary about choice. Scary is when you don’t have choice. And who you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now.

I carry your heart.

Monday, December 15, 2008

"I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it
Anywhere i go you go, my dear;
And whatever is done
By only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root
And the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart"

-E.E. Cummings

The disappearing sun.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Today I had the best run ever. It was around 5pm, just as the sun was setting behind Mummy Mountain and I was running, sometimes sprinting, sometimes walking, but none the less, running. It was one of the most clarifying runs I’ve had in a while. I rocked out to the classics, Carrie Underwood, some Beyonce and a little Britney Spears of course, and I was making the trek (or fast paced walk) up the mountain, good old Iron and Wine came on. And as i got to the top of the mountain and looked out over the valley, the song was in full swing, and it was one of the best alone moments I’ve had.

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding
Or lost you?

I was looking out over the valley, watching as the sun set and I realized that Arizona is the most beautiful place ever. The sky was this mix of burgundy and hot pink, with the 4 peaks a deep blue and I watched as all the houses below simultaneously start turning on their lights. There was this big mansion I was standing close to, and i saw this little girl, with this wide-eyed excitement, turn on her Christmas tree, only to stand back and admire the lights. I know it doesn’t mean much, but it was one of the coolest moments.

It made me realize that sometimes all you need is another perspective. From the top of the mountain the entire city was so beautiful, and innocent, just like the little girl. The top of the houses reflected what was left of the disappearing sun, as the shadows cast the most beautiful glow on the mountainsides. Earlier, I was driving around, Scottsdale road and camelback, frustrated with the city, it was just so busy and everyone was out for themselves. But standing alone, i had another view of my hometown.

Sometimes it takes a birdseye view to get another look, to see the bigger picture. Maybe we get so drown down in our own world, and our teeny tiny bubble that we forget that there’s another perspective, another view. We (or should I say I) sometimes forget that this world is so much bigger than my own imagination. That the way I see things, and the way i deal with things isn’t always the best. That maybe, just maybe, if I take time to look at things from another view, I’ll see that my busy, mean world, isn’t always, and that things aren’t always are as they seem. Sometimes we need to see the city lights in order to see the beauty, and sometimes we need to see the sunset to remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

The bit of shade.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Broken she
Has her arms twisted
Is pointing at me
I’ll stand, but I ain’t coming
Over as she
She spoke with a voice
That struck at the sky
She said, “come on over to the bit of shade.
I’ll wrap you in my arms”
And She said, “Let me sign”
“Let me sign"


Monday, December 8, 2008

where was this camp when i was younger? I wanna go!

jennifer aniston, winnie cooper, urkle and dj tanner?

Let's drive far.

almost there. 4 days and counting.

But the greatest of these is Love.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Sometimes all you need is a good quote:

Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life—love should not be one of them.”
“Love comes to those who still hope, even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.”

And sometimes all you need is God. I think we forget this sometimes. We look and look, but until we have aligned our hearts and minds to think like this, we’ll never find it.

1 Corinthians 13-

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s something we just can’t forget.

Diving chaos.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride."

Too much.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

“In life, God doesn't give you the people you want.. instead He gives you the people you need.. to teach you, to guide you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you should be.”

-too much for your own good.

Don't waste another minute.

Show me that smile again.
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.
We’re nowhere near the end
The best is ready to begin.

old school.

[old school]

Oooohhh. As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands.
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’.

As long as we keep on givin’
we can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other Sharin’ the laughter and love.

Am I fearless?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why do we do this? Lately I have been in this funk, that no matter what I do (or eat), I can’t seem to shake it. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, and the next I’m reminiscing, [People say he’s only in my head] yeah sometimes it’s the smell of a sweatshirt, [Gonna take time but I’ll forget] or a ticket stub or even the smell of chlorine [Say I need to get on with my life]- but it still doesn’t make it any easier. I wish I could just shake it off, wake up one morning and feel relieved. It’ll come, it always does, I just wish I could make it come sooner.

Running, running as fast as I can - I really hope I make it (do you think I’ll make it?). I’m running, keep holding my hand. Its so we don't get separated
Be the one I need, Be the one I trust most. Don't stop inspiring me Sometimes its hard to keep on running, we work so much to keep it going. Don't make me want to give up.

Even though that kicked in the chest feeling sucks, it’s the little things that make me feel better. Coming home to the best roommates ever, knowing they’ve been there too, looking at my Christmas tree, talking to my mom, bbming. Maybe we just need to learn to “drink up the sunshine.”

I don’t wanna dream about all the things that never were. Maybe I can live without- When I’m out from under, I don’t wanna feel the pain. What good would it do me now I’ll get it all figured out. When I’m out from under. And part of me still believes, when you say you’re gonna stick around. And part of me still believes we can find a way to work it out. But I know that we tried everything we could try So let’s just say goodbye forever.

I don’t wanna dream about all the things that never were.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. I think love is FEARLESS.

I’m not bulletproof, and that’s okay.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad babe
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad babe
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

She’s so heavy
Heavy, heavy, heavy

She’s so heavy
She’s so heavy, heavy, heavy

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, you know I want you so bad babe

The Potential to Explode

If you really knew how I felt, you’d call an ambulance.

I should never think
What’s in your heart
What’s in our home, so I won’t

You’ll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love so call me by my name

And save your soul
Before your TOO far gone
Before nothing can be done

I’ll try to decide when
She’ll lie in the end
I ain’t got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It’s the one thing that I’ve known

Once I put my coat on
I coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please I’m in love

Girl save your soul go on save your soul
Before your too far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me You got it all So hold on


epic proportions.

Happy Thanksgiving - All the many things.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

thanksgiving - the day designed to thank those who mean the most to you, but i think it means more than that. i think it means recognizing the things in life that make you who you are and fully acknowledging that.
i am thankful for my amazing family, that despite my shortcomings, never cease to encourage me and cheer me on. i am thankful for my rad brother and his incredible girlfriend, who accept who i am, and never try to change that. i am thankful for the fact that, even after 4 years of college, i am still as close with my best friends (yeah fab 5) as i was in high school. i am thankful that i met Carly and Callie, my two best friends at pepperdine, that never let me fall. i am thankful for kappa, and all the beautiful girls I have met and been inspired by. i am thankful for cold, rainy days in Arizona. i am thankful for the fact that my hometown is paradise valley. i am thankful for all the boys that have come into my life, because they have shown me that no one is better than my dad and my brother. i am thankful for drives down pacific coast highway, because all it takes is one glance at the ocean to realize how blessed i am. i am thankful for Christmas cups at Starbucks and the warm goodness they hold. i am thankful for pepperdine, and despite it’s shortcomings, it has allowed me to reach a potential i never thought possible. i am thankful for my sister, who has allowed me to realize that it’s all about whats in your heart and not necessarily what’s visible from the outside. i am thankful for the fact that my parents still love each other, and have been an example to my siblings and i. i am thankful for my entire extended family, even though we don’t see each other often, they are always there. i am thankful for lazy days in Malibu, and the chance to have a girls night. i am thankful for Christmas, and the hope it brings. i am thankful for my grandmother, Grace, and even though we never met, she has inspired me. i am thankful for the chance i have been given to do something amazing. i am thankful for the multiple opportunities i have been given. i am thankful for those in my life, who, through the years are still there, cheering me on, loving me as much as i love them.
i am blessed, in more ways than my imagination could imagine and no blog will ever express the gratitude i feel for those in my life.


“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

A source of inspiration.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

inspiration for greatness.

Have I found you?

I just saw Twilight for the second time in 2 days, and it never ceases to impress me. I’m so intrigued by it, and completely in love with Edward Cullen :)

Anywayyyys - you know those songs that when you hear them it make your heart beat erratically and you just can’t seem to get enough? Well there’s this scene in the movie where Edward & Bella are dancing and this song plays. I don’t know what the lyrics mean but here they are - maybe you’ll get it.

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your straight blind eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat
Cursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide/white fence cracks
Kissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill, stuck going down

that’s it - nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, but amazing and beautiful at the same time.

do you ever wonder if we’ve already found the one? if we’re walking around with that person day in and day out and have no idea? Sometimes, my biggest wish is that I’ll just know who I’m going to marry. Sometimes, I feel like if I just knew who he was, then it would make everything less complicated. But then I realize, that I’m not ready to meet him, and he must not be ready to meet me, we’re still being prepared for each other. My dad gave me a good piece of advice the other day… stop looking, you’re going to find the one, sometimes it just takes time. and as simple that is, maybe that's what we need to hear every once and a while, just stop looking because time takes it all.

sometimes all you need is a song to make your heart beat faster, sometimes all you need is to hear a simple piece of advice, sometimes you need to have faith, and sometimes all you need is one.

Direct quote.

you’re both a little crazy, both a little paranoid, and both a little nuts, and both are attracted to asshole guys, but both are the sweetest and nicest people in the world"

direct quote from one of my best friends, describing me.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

home at last & back to the basics.

This is the place.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

now starts the healing process. this is the place no one wants to be in, yet everyone finds them in it at one time or another. this is the place where you figure yourself out. you find yourself at the bottom looking up, knowing that it can only get better, you can only get stronger. this is the place where you cry and fight through, only to be a better version of yourself. this is where you hurt, struggle and let go of being tough, and let your guard down to those who can help you. this is where you determine if you’re going to move on, or if you’re going to stay. this is where you define you.
so here i am, healing. fighting. looking up. being weak, allowing myself to hurt, letting my guard down, only to become the best version of me.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.”
Here i am, looking to those who mean the most, my beautiful family and friends, who allow me to do all these things, not too long though, because at the end of the day, it’s all part of the process.
I took a chance, i took a shot and you might think i’m bulletproof, but i’m not, you took a swing, i took it hard and down here from the ground i see who you are.

This ain't Hollywood.

Say you’re sorry: That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to. As I pace back and forth all this time
‘Cause I honestly believed in you holding on, The days drag on stupid girl I should have known, I should have known

That I’m not a princess This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell, This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

Baby I was naïve, Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings; Now I know, and there you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me Just like I always wanted, But I’m so sorry

Cause Im not your princess This aint a fairytale.
I’m gonna find someone, Some day who might actually treat me well.

This is a big world, That was a small town. There in my rearview mirror, Disappearing now. And it’s too late for you and your White Horse to catch me now

Everywhere you go.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

You have people looking after you everywhere you go, even if you don’t know they’re there."

The Protected

The hardest battle.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

i could hold you for a million years [maybe]

Ya know when you’re so concerned with everyone else’s well being - so much that you don’t allow yourself to be true to you? Well I find myself struggling with that lately. It sucks. This is how I’ve been living my life:
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
And maybe this is how I need to live my life:
You owe it to yourself to love when hurt is all you seeYou owe it to yourself to be goodness, when hate is all you feelYou owe it to yourself to make loneliness obsoleteYou owe it to yourself to give the hungry some foodYou owe it to yourself to give what has already been given to you
(as seen on seans blog)
Maybe, I all just need to “owe it to myself” - do what I want to do, feel how I want to feel, owe it to me. Maybe, that’s when I’ll find true happiness.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sometimes I wonder, how much am I going to put up with? “How many times can I break till I shatter?” Sometimes I wonder, what it is going to be the final straw? “Over the line can’t define what I’m after” I understand that in life you have to pick your battles and figure out, within yourself, what you’re gonna let hold you down. “Give me a break let me make my own pattern.” But lately I feel like I let people walk all over me. “All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered.” I let how other people feel, define how I feel, and how other people act towards me determine my self worth. It’s like, I want to find someone and something that doesn’t make me second guess myself. “I always turn the car around.”
Recently my roommates and I have been having some relationship issues: Who’s right for us, what’s right for us and ultimately figuring out and fighting for what makes us the happiest. I feel like a lot of times we just need the ability to say how we feel, to find the words that describe our feelings - but at the same time, make sure that our feelings aren’t too strong and scare people away.
There’s always this line that people don’t want to cross. I’m so afraid of making people feel uncomfortable that I limit myself to what I say, “All I hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn’t say - what do I do, what do I say, with no one else to blame”
There are certain situations where I just want a reaction. I just want an expression, an opinion, a feeling. Because sometimes I just need to feel like I’m wanted, like I’m cared about enough to cause a reaction - I need to get through all the psycho-babble bullshit and feel something. “And when you take you take the very best of me. So I start a fight because I need to feel something you do what you want cuz I’m not what you wanted.”
This could be the very minute I’m aware I’m alive. All these places feel like home. With a name Id never chosen. I can make my first steps as a child of 21. Sometimes its time to start living your life, living your dream with no fear.
“Help me remember - The way that we used to be. When nothin’ else mattered “cause you were lovin’ me. Just for the night, one last time, one more good memory When I look back - That’s what I wanna see”

The Tired Advice.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

“But love is none of these things. It won’t suddenly make every day ok. It won’t change who you are. It won’t make your car go faster. It doesn’t even wash your dishes.
All love is, is love. And that’s all it needs to be, really."

She will always be safe.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

always loving, always praying, always there.

Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe.

We'll be okay.

Monday, November 10, 2008

“I’ll lean on you and you lean on me and we’ll be okay.”

Dave Matthews Band


Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where
there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.
- Ella Fitzgerald

At the top.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

When you’re at the top, remember what if felt like at the bottom. When you’re at the bottom, remember what it felt like at the top.
Good doesn’t last forever. Neither does bad.

breathing in deep.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I found this really create quote and it kind of relates back to my post in August

“waiting on a cure.”

When did I lose sight of the present, only to wait a little bit longer, in hopes of being happy.

I guess that hardest part is looking the present dead on, and accepting life for what it is. Accept that happiness is a state of mind and that contentment is obtainable. So breathe in deep, and stop waiting a little bit longer and be happy now.

I just think this idea of the here and now is so important. Tonight we had our last night before initiation and that's it. My last thing in Kappa ever, then I graduate. Then I graduate, then what? I need to focus on what’s going on today, right now, in this moment and really appreciate that, because before I know it, its gone.

When I was in Florence, at our first meeting of the summer, Dr. Benton told us, that, these next couple months are going to come with their challenges, we’re going to struggle and we’re going to have to learn how to push through, but we have to remember, it’s not about the destination- its about the journey.

Graduation is my destination at this point in my life, but would it feel as good and rewarding if I didn’t experience the journey that is my senior year? So, here I am, vulnerable, open and breathing in deep - so that I, can experience the journey.

I looked for the original, “Happiness is the journey” quote - it’s wonderful. Enjoy it and learn to find your happiness.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we’re frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We’ll certainly be happy when they’re out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza.

He said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you’re off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you’re born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

For those who are blind.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

so a good friend of mine and I were in class (cultural anthropology - blah) and he shared with me his blog.

I feel really blessed when people share something personal like this with me because it gives me a chance to see something that they might not share with everyone.

he’s inspires me to be better - so here’s an excerpt from his blog, to help inspire you.

This is for the broken hearted. This is for the fighters, who don’t know how to say yes to a no. This is for those who are tired of filling their tanks with standard when premium is really what you need. This is for those who admire admiration but love salvation. This is for the kid who i didn’t pick to be on my kickball team but if i saw him today, i’d buy him a Snickers. This is for my friends mom who I forgot to say thank you for all those banana popsicles on hot afternoons after school. This is for my mom who knew the best felt the worst and knows the better will feel even better. This is for those who are tired of pointing fingers and are interested in working up some calluses. This is for those who aren’t afraid to claim what they love. This is for those who can see with their heart, and feel with their mind. This is also for those who are blind, cause spit and mud sometimes works.

life changing.

“The people of this country are losing their way because our philosophy is losing its way.”

just a boy.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.

christmas in a cup.

they’re finally here.

when the rain starts to pour.

Monday, November 3, 2008

it’s those times when I really need them the most, that I realize how fricking awesome my friends are. you all know who you are - you’re all my strength. i love you all.

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, you’re love life’s DOA.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.

You’re still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these,
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.
Seems like you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst, I’m best with you.

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.

between the lines.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I love you because you took the time to read this sentence.

Be not afraid.

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve
greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them."

William Shakespeare

(Twelth Night Quote Act: II, Scene V).

defending words.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I’m not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I’m sitting here thinking it through
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn’t have told nobody if I died, died for you

Please don't alter.

I’m not the most eloquent speaker, so I thought I would borrow a few words from Shakespeare. ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’ When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same. I look at Nathan and Haley and some how I feel safer. I don’t know if I can explain that, but they give me hope. And, I’m afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that. So, here’s to Nathan and Haley, and here’s to hope, and here’s to a love that will not alter.

-One Tree Hill

past imperfect.

Learning to let go.

Sometimes I have to realize that letting go of things in my life isn’t always a bad thing. In the past 8 months, it’s taken me everything I have, to accept the fact that I have to let things, people and ideas go.

Some wars are never over, some end in an uneasy truce, some wars result in complete and total victory - some wars end with a peace offering. And some wars end in hope. But all these wars are nothing compared to the most frigetning war of all, the one you have yet to fight.

Sometimes I find myself so caught up in whats going on that I can’t pull myself away to look at it from the outside. I get so caught up in trying to fix things that I don’t realize that all I have to “fix” is myself.

Last year I had a really good friend, or at least I thought I did. Her and I were closer than close, and it took a really big situation to realize that I needed to let her go. Some people just aren’t right for you. They drag you down, they make you cynical, they create a sense a doubt within yourself. Some things are just not right. Some times we have to be okay with letting go of things, that at the time, seem great, but in the end, can be our downfall.

The question is- are we strong enough to acknowledge those things? Are we strong enough to let go?

I think it comes down to change. To letting go of the comfortable. Sometimes I’m afraid of letting go, because I’ve invested to much time and interest in that person or thing that it seems like a waste to let it all go.

It’s really hard to come to that conclusion, that things and people we like may not be the best for us. This year has been a trial year. It’s been a test. Can I really let go of those things?

Skeletons and ghosts are hidin’ in the shadow. Threatening me with all the things that they know.

Choices and mistakes, they all know my name. I’m through holdin’ in and holdin’ on to all that pain.

all hallows eve.


my Halloween was so great, i couldn’t post. enjoy.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

All is takes is one time.

You know those people who have ridiculously addictive personalities? Can’t get enough, can’t stop, won’t ever quit? I’m not necessarily talking about drugs or alcohol but just everything. Addicted to people, relationships or even something as lame as tv.

I never thought I was one of those people, because I know people who can’t go 5 minutes without needing the one thing their addicted too. Take one of my good friends, I honestly believe she’s addicted to having a boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that, but I’ve never known her single. Or another friend of mine is addicted to friends. That sounds funny, but in a really serious way, like he can’t stand when you have other friends than him, and he’ll ‘make your life a living hell’ without him.

Yesterday I was having a conversation when this guy asked if I’ve ever been addicted to anything (referring to drugs) which I haven't.. but I started thinking, maybe being addicted isn't such a bad thing. I mean, obviously I’m not promoting drug habits or being drunk all the time, but we coin the term addict as bad, but maybe it can be okay.

Like being addicted to someone (in a healthy sense of course), but not being able to get enough of that person? Or being addicted to your friends so much that you would do anything and always be there for them. I guess, moderation is the key word here - and I don’t really even know why this thought stirred me so much, but it did. Being addicted. Is it really something you can’t get over, or is it a mind game?

It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek is misery all around
It’s like you’re a leech
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time

It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me

It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now

I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

Maybe being addicted to something isn’t such a bad thing - just maybe.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

29 days till thanksgiving.

The part of all of us.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Collective.

“We are all as much a part of you as you are a part of all of us.”

here's to you.

Happy Birthday Whitty - I love you!


Sunday, October 26, 2008

But there are many spots on the globe where it’s tough to find a Starbucks. And these are precisely the places where banks are surviving, in large part because they have not financially integrated with banks in the Starbucks economies. In the entire continent of Africa, whose banks don’t stray too far, I count just three (in Egypt). We haven’t heard much about bailouts in Central America, where Starbucks has no presence. South America’s banks may be buckling, but they haven’t broken. Argentina, formerly a financial basket case and now a pocket of relative strength, has just one store. Brazil, with a population of nearly 200 million, has a mere 14. Italy hasn’t suffered any major bank failures in part because its banking sector isn’t very active on the international scene. The number of Starbucks there? Zero.

— Daniel Gross, who claims that “the higher the concentration of expensive, nautically themed, faux-Italian-branded Frappuccino joints in a country’s financial capital, the more likely the country is to have suffered catastrophic financial losses.”

this quote, courtesy of my [other] favorite blog.

it’s bomb. check her out. drink starbucks.

tearful longings & faithful hearts.

The most beautiful love letter from Ludwig van Beethoven to Antonie Brentano

“Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Makes you wish boys still understood the power of a written letter huh?

Absolutely stunning.

A tribute.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

High School Musical 3 Tribute -

You know how life can be
It changes overnight
It’s sun, even raining
But it’s all right

A friend like you
Always makes it easy
I know that you get me
Every time

Through every up, through every down
No matter where life takes us
Nothing can break us apart (You know that’s true)

I just wanna be with you
Hey yeah
Just be with you
Oh yeah, yeah

No matter where life takes us
Nothing can break us apart

Even though this movie was about graduating high school, it made graduating college seem a little more real, and I kind of got sad about it. Whew.

189 days left.


i miss my friends.

Because I knew you.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, then we help them in return. Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but I know I’m who I am today, because I knew you.

zac efron

High School Musical 3.

Today’s the day. Get pumped.

tivo, tivo, tivo.

I love tivo. I have literally spent the last couple days, in whatever free time I have - watching tivo. It’s been so crazy lately that I haven’t had the chance to watch Greys, Gossip Girl, One Tree… so this is my day. All day, on the couch, watching tivo :)
Greys - as dramatic as it is, has some of the best quotes any show has ever produced. Here’s one of my favorites:
“If there’s just one piece of advice i can give you, it’s this - when there’s something you really want, fight for it, don’t give up no matter how hopeless it seems. and when you’ve lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you’re going to wish you gave it just one more shot. because the best things in life, they don’t come free.“-Grey’s Anatomy
I think it’s true in every aspect, and sometimes we forget that.

being fearless.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I cant post songs, at least I don’t know how too- so the lyrics will have to do. my new fav.

There’s somethin’ ‘bout the way
The street looks when it’s just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot

We’re drivin’ down the road
I wonder if you know
I’m tryin’ so hard not to get caught up now
But you’re just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin’ me want you

And I don’t know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
And I don’t know why when with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress

So baby drive slow
‘Til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger’s seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it remember it

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
my hands shake
I’m not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss really flawless really somethin’ it’s fearless.

And I don’t know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
And I don’t know why when with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress

Taylor Swift - fearless. She’s fantastic.

The fog.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Don’t say what you say. Say what you mean."

The fog & haze.

dreaming big.

i cannot let myself be afraid of limits. i cannot let myself fear the unknown. i cannot limit myself to the security blanket i’ve so comfortably created. i cannot let my dreams die due to the fact that they might be ‘too big.’

wanna know what i dream? that one day ill move to new york to experience the big apple and maybe realize that i can make it, that i am good enough. maybe ill realize that i’m nothing more than a west coast girl who needs happy people and sunshine. but is it really fair to let the fears that i cannot make it stop me? i dream that one day i’ll be a writer at a big time magazine, where people follow my stories and respect me for my knowledge of my craft. i dream that one day, ill be editor in chief at vogue; that i’ll be cool enough to have a book written about me and my bitchy antics.

i cant stop dreaming. i’m 21 years old, and if i stop dreaming now, and stop reaching for my goals, then what’s going to happen when i’m 30, 40, 50?

i have to stop being afraid to dream big, and bigger. i have to exceed expectations and not just meet them. i have to believe in myself and who i am, that i can achieve thoe dreams.

this whole, being a senior thing, really freaks me out. i don’t do change. i hate change. but i need change. i need a chance to see if i’m good enough. i need to realize that my dream of new york could actually be a reality if i make it one. that just because i graduate and walk across that stage doesn’t mean i’m a grown up. i have to accept the fact that i’m not going to stay a 21 year old college sorority girl forever and that maybe being a 26 year old working girl is okay too. that life doesn’t end after colleges and neither do the friendships.

change is going to come, and dreams are going to be explored. i just hope when i’m given the chance to take on my dream, that my reality exceeds my dreams.

Do it with a heart wide open.

Friday, October 17, 2008

alot of stress is put on communication. talk to your friends when you’re upset. talk to you parents so they know what’s going on. tell your significant other how you feel because you can’t expect them to read your mind. but i think that’s a lot easier said than done. leaving the mystery is alot easier than speaking from your heart. however necessary communicating may be, in a lot of circumstances its the one thing we need the most.

To talk or not to talk: it all comes down to our fear of rejection. i think its a subconscious fear too. or the fact that people wanna be “cool” and say the right things, the things people think others want to hear. Eventually we have to let down those barriers, let those walls crumble and say what we need to say.

i just re-listened to john mayer’s “say” and i actually listened to the words and i love it.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

It’s so important to tell people what we think and what we need to say. Who knows how long they’re going to be around, and how long we have to say the things we feel.

I never really understood the power of a good chat. right now my roommate, although she is the strongest 21 year old I’ve ever met, is going through a rough patch. all she needs to to talk, to say the things she needs to say. once she does she’ll be okay - she’ll start to heal.

talking is a form of healing, its a passage way for honesty and its the one thing that links us all together.

to be bold and honest is a quality i hope i possess and work hard at obtaining it. I hope that with my words, my communication, that ill enable my dreams, and grab hold of someones heart, and hold on until i’ve said what i need to say.

How to lead your life.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

“It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.”

-Dr. Randy Pausch

lovely eyes.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Audrey Hepburn

the ordinary.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I had the best laugh today.

Sitting in my roommates bathroom while she gets ready -

my roommate: “She has a really weird body…she should be Big Bird for Halloween.”

You know when you have those moment when you forget everything else in the world and just laugh. It’s the most pure form of happiness and you just enjoy the moment. It wasn’t even that funny, but I think because life is so busy, and so stressful that we forget that it’s okay to forget everything and just laugh and enjoy what life is.

At the end of the day we’re not going to remember the stressful midterms we had, the boy drama or the petty fights. But walking across the stage at graduation, the thoughts running through our minds will be those spent at home with your roommates enjoying each other’s company. Because sometimes its in the hidden, ordinary moments of the day that we treasure the most.

arizona sunsets.

cannot wait to be home.



a whole new outlook

have you tried the new hot chocolate at Starbucks yet? well today I was in there for the third time today and the 17th time this week, and my usual (god bless him) barista was there to greet me. Normally I rattle off my, “grande skinny vanilla latte” hand him my card and I’m on my way, but today I was feel a little daring.

So, I stood at the counter, being that annoying customer who nevvverr knows what they want. I was craving something sweet, was super hyper and didn’t really need caffeine and that's when it hit me. It’s (kind of) cold out and I want a hot chocolate.

After making this hard decision, I asked his opinion. Little did I know there are THREE kinds of hot chocolate. yeah. I was a wimp and picked the “signature hot chocolate.”

It was amazing. Go to Starbucks right now and order one. I’ll rock your world.

Never looking back.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I read this really great blog the other day, I know, I’m turning into a total nerd, and I reallly loved it. It talked about have “no more fears to fear.” It really made me think about what that sentence means. That everything we fear is really just a misinterpretation.

No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That if we put aside every fear we had and lived out our life with wild inhibitions we would ultimately be free. If we realized that the most embarrassing, awkward moments in our lives were just remembered by us and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That the difference between a job and art is the passion you put into it and that neither defines who you are.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world, and that because life is contradictory, constantly, we know it’s worth living.

I think if we realize that love is only as real as we want it to be and that what we put in to it, is what we’ll get out of it. That love is hard work and it doesn’t come easily. That it’s worth fighting for. That if you feel good, you look good, but it doesn't always work the other way around.

Every day the sun will rise and the sun will set, and that its up to us if we chose to match it. That nothing matters up until this point, and that what we decide no, in this moment will change us forever. We can’t forget that we’ve come this far and we’re not going back.

Back & better than ever.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Its been forever, but have no fear, I’m back :)

So, the past week has been one of quite a few up and downs. We got back from our fabulous roommate road trip in Arizona and this great bonding experience only to jump into a pretty tough week. my beautiful roommate had a tough week with a mean boy and it just sucks because she deserves the best yet every boy is failing. i feel like at this age we’re looking for someone that compliments us and it’s so hard because most guys are not ready. we’re ready for this great romance and guys are still learning how to tie their shoes.

and i don’t know - this could break my heart or save me. nothing’s real, until you let go completely.

so here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving - so here I go with all my fears weighing on me.

Three months and I’m still sober - Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers, But I know it’s never really over.

we just have to be patient. we have to learn to listen. we have to learn how to be ourselves. we have to stop hiding ourselves - stop limiting ourselves to the expectations of everyone else. People (boys) are going to like me or hate me regardless of what I do or say. I think remembering that, is what gets us through the day-to-day.

I think that one thing we (myself included) need to work on, is not letting guys control our every mood. If our relationship is good, then we’re happy, if it’s bad, we’re sad. Their actions control our mood - and it’s sad because we allow them to control us. We allow them to determine how we feel and how we think about things. We need to learn to stand on our feet and be ourselves without the boys in our lives influencing us.

I saw the sign.

Looking for a sign? Spandex isn’t for everyone."

that’s for you callie :)

the wake up.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It’s been a month since school started and more than a month since my blog started :)

I think this blog has literally been the coolest release of energy/emotions/thoughts/ideas i’ve ever come across. it has allowed me too let everything out and, in turn, i think it saved me.

it’s gotten me through sad times, when i just need something to talk to and its allowed me to rejoice in the happy (go one tree hill) - well now, i’m here to celebrate the good times :)

at this moment, i’m the happiest i’ve been in a while. i feel like all is calm in my life. my best friends are fantastic. my roommates are amazing, my backbone my everything. my sorority is rad - as are my new girls, the guy i’m dating is absolutely amazing (and hot :)), and my family is the best (go tommy and your promooo)

everythings coming together. everythings piecing itself back into place and for once i’m at peace. I cannot wait for the next couple months to see what happens and what unravels.

I decided that I’m gonna write a book. I’m not sure about what - or when, but it’s gonna be awesome - that's all I know.

I’m going home this weekend - start the countdown…4 days.

Hopeless - Head over Heels.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

…Now I’m speechless, over the edge
I’m just breathless - I never thought that I’d catch this Lovebug again
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I’d get hit by this Lovebug again…

-The Jonas Brothers & me :)

The comet.

Monday, September 22, 2008

“It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life. Direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn’t understand and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday, it would return to him and his world would be whole again and his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart."

-One Tree Hill

reason & love.

and yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays."

-William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene i

he's the best.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Happy Birthday Dad!

the impossible quiz

Friday, September 19, 2008

my roommate and i were talking about dating the other day. we were wondering why dating has turned into a big game. “does he like me - I’m not gonna call for 3 days - I’m not gonna text him back right away.” What would dating be like, if we just went with it? It we sucked up our fear of rejection and put our heart out there? Would it really be that bad?

I’m not hating, because I for sure play the dating game. Recently, I met this guy, who right away came out and said, “i don't do the dating game - if i like you i like you and i’m going to make the effort, if not, i wouldn’t be here.” It took me by surprise because that’s out of the norm. To show your feelings right away is new to most guys and girls because I feel like everyone is so afraid that their ego is going to be bruised or their pride will be broken. But maybe we have to be fearless and step out there and really grab what we’re looking for. Maybe if we jump, that person won’t be playing the game, and will catch us right when we need it.

the most fatal.

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness."

Bertrand Russell

blessed are the hearts.

So, this week has been one of the most physically draining, emotionally draining, stress-filled weeks of my life. Monday was bid night and we got our new girls - baby kappas! I met a new guy - he’s wonderful. My roommates are the biggest blessings in my life. My parents are finally back from Russia, and my best friends are my everything.

I feel like you go through really stressful times, things that bend and test you, but at the end of the day, God’s not going to give you anything you cant handle.

You know, its been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they’re happening. we grow complacent with ideas or things or people and we take them for granted. and its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you realize how wrong you’ve been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it.

I feel like everything is starting to fall back into place - it’s like my life is re-aligning itself. I feel good about the things that are going on in my life, and for once in a long time, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

kappa is.. my best friends. my inspiration. my college experience.

thanks, thanks & more thanks.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

never forgotten.

insecure & charming.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


aren’t we all?

believing in who we are.

self-respect. I think this is one of the hardest qualities to possess in yourself. The phrase itself seems simple. But I think there’s a daily, conscious effort that must go into it. It’s a personal decision, not one made by those around you.

I think a lot of time people confuse self-respect with confidence. It has nothing to do with how cool you are, or how people think you are. It has to do with, if it at the end of the day, you believe in yourself, and who you are as a person.

Not until we start respecting ourselves and seeing the value that God sees in us will we be able to truly gain respect from others. We except people to respect us, to treat us kindly and to love us, but if we can’t give ourselves those things, then who are we to think others will? When are we going to realize that we’re worth more than the things we have and the people who surround us?

we cant give up on ourselves, because we’re the only ones who can give us full satisfaction we crave. my friend said something tonight, “not until we love ourselves can we expect others to love us.” it’s so true.

believe in you, because once you do, people will begin to surprise you.

constant reminder.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

welcome to the good life.

meant to be.

“Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you want to be. The person that you are."

-One Tree Hill

told you so.

Monday, September 8, 2008

told you so.

new life.

sometimes in the madness that is life, we need a reminder of how amazing and absolutely spectacular it really is.

this morning at 3:34 am, one of my good friends from high school welcomed his baby boy, London.

when everything else in the world is going at a hundred miles an hour, the complexity that is a new baby, slows everything now. it reminds us of the simplest joy in the world.

It’s hard, and its a constant struggle for me, to just enjoy life, and enjoy it’s blessings. so, maybe today - we can sit, and enjoy it and really embrace how awesome it is.

Congrats Matt :)

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