Funny how it comes

Saturday, August 30, 2008

It’s funny how one minute you have this idea (ie last nights blog) and then the next morning, something comes to you. For me it was this morning in the shower. There I am doing my thing and I go to grab the body wash (I'm using my roommates shower) and its called, “Falling in Love.” Being the curious person I am I read it - take a look….

Falling in love doesn’t begin with falling in love with others. It begins with falling in love with ourselves. Loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. Learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another.

Then, I got out, and here’s what the lotion bottle said…

When it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.

It’s weird how when you’re thinking about things - and everything around you seems to join you in your thoughts. Kind of random - but just my thought for the day. Chew on it.

Put it all out there.

Friday, August 29, 2008

in high school when you liked someone, you wrote them a note telling them.

in college when you like someone, you make out with someone else, just to make that person jealous.

when are we going to stop and realize what we really want? when are we going to stop playing around with our hearts? The thing that boggles my mind is that we have all these earthly possessions. we walk around protecting our cars, protecting our possessions, but when are we going to start protecting our hearts? we walk around and act like nothing is breaking our hearts - but it is. we date who other people think are cute. we date who other people find acceptable. but when are we going to start doing what we want, what we need?

We can get new cars, and new houses, and new things, but once our heart breaks - that's it. I really feel like as 21 year olds, were not supposed to have our hearts broken like so many of us do.

Take me for example, my heart was broken in a way I never thought possible. My roommates and best friends have all had their hearts broken in ways unknown to anyone else. It just makes me sad that we take every worldly possession into higher consideration then we do our own hearts.

I don't want to be cynical and say, “don't ever let anyone in” but maybe its time, we stop trying to find happiness in everyone else, and find happiness in ourselves.

just outside my window.

Monday, August 25, 2008


mentally prepared.

one week away. start getting mentally prepared.

love is equal.

In the end
The love we take
Is equal to
The love we make"

-The Beatles

(thanks mom!)

And whats the point of holding onto what never gets used, other than a sick desire for self-abuse?"

The here and now.

So, I’ve been in Malibu for 2 weeks. I have been doing NSO stuff, kappa details, meetings, being “dorm mom”, freshman mentor, then starting school and an internship! Its been absolutely fast paced life for the last two weeks and I haven't had the time to sit and think about anything.

I feel like I’m sitting here, watching my life fly past me at a speed to fast to catch up too and i don't know what to do. I feel like theres no time. Never enough time to break, not enough time to talk, to sleep to think about anything, to look at the beauty in the present or to live now. I haven’t talked to my best friends from home in days - I feel out of the loop, like I’m letting them down. I feel like I haven't been able to be there for them, like real friends should. Everythings planned, or being planned. Everything revolves around “whats going to happen.”

I think, all too often we spend our whole life planning whats going to happen in the future. “Tomorrow I have this…. next week I’ll have time… next year I’m going to do this…” When are we going to stop.listen. and be here, to really celebrate now?

That’s my goal this year - to really celebrate the here and now. To recognize the beauty and awesomeness in every day.

This is my last year - and I need to appreciate whats here.

carving a place.

Because sometimes you’re 21 and you need to start carving out a place for yourself in the world, and because tumblr can be a nice distraction from how truly terrifying a task that can be."

the day.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Tomorrow I start the first day of my senior year in college. Tomorrow I start the beginning of the end. Tomorrow is the day that I begin to prove myself. Lets hope I can make the cut. Wish me luck…

violent delights.

Friday, August 22, 2008

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which, as they kiss, consume."

Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

the space between mentally and physically exhausted. its where i’m at.

Becoming the change.

this week is new student orientation at my school and i am an orientation leader. i am the first person some new students will see, meet, talk to, everything. their first impression of pepperdine is me and then its my duty to “lead” them in the right direction. I take them to their dorm, to the caf, to the library, answer questions, give advice and basically just be a friend. It’s weird, I never really thought of myself as the ‘leader type.’ I always thought of it as being kinda stubborn, but never really a leader.

What makes me a leader? What makes me the right person to influence people? Its cool, because never before have I really felt like the leader, or the one people look up too. But this week has shown me, that even a smile is being a leader, having a good attitude is being a leader. I can be a leader in my every day life, without really even realizing it. Sometimes we don’t see the leader we have inside us - but its there, we just have to find it

“Lead and inspire people. Don’t try to manage and manipulate people. Inventories can be managed but people must be lead.” -Ross Perot

The sound of its beating.

Monday, August 18, 2008

What is that one thing, that deep down in your heart, you want? A job, a new house, a new relationship? What is the one splurge that is in your heart? The one that your mind is trying to convince you to say no to?

Sometimes I think that we are so afraid to be criticized that we don’t allow ourselves our deepest desires. The fear of being hurt or vulnerable stops us from getting what we really want. So many times, we sit back and let our dreams pass us by. Do we feel with our heart or do we think with our head? For many, we let our head overpower our heart and do the “smart” thing. But what would we get if we let our hearts win?

It’s time to stop being so afraid to feel something, so afraid to be vulnerable, so afraid to let the world see us raw. It’s tough, and people might laugh and criticize. Yeah, we might get a bruised ego, or even a broken heart, but what, if the once chance we took, was the one that gave us everything we always wanted.

this is it.

This is where I write. This is where I sit down, and open my heart. This is where I write things too hard to speak aloud. This is where I miss you. This is where I try and find the feeling of prickled skin. This is where I turn the music up. This is where I tell you my dreams. This is where I tell the truth. This is where I tell you all that I know. This is where I cry. This is where I reassure you and tell you that i’ll be ok. This is the sign you’ve been looking for. This is where I find grace. This is where I talk to strangers. This is where I keep my peace, my hope, my love, my happiness, my fears. This is where the wind blows. You were meant to read these words. This is the mulberry bush. And around and around we go, together.

can't comprehend.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Two words.
Then three words.
The fourth is “love”.
The fifth word is “you”.
Six say: “I love you”, twice.
I can’t begin to comprehend seven words.
Eight is far, you and I are closer.
In nine words time, we’ll be reaching the conclusion.
And ten - which is just one, nothing and the end."

it's a revolution

I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of the unknown. I don’t like uncertainty.

I need routine, normalcy, and regularity. But sometimes, thats not so easy. This year is the year of change, the year of the unknown, and more uncertainty then I’ve ever experienced.

Some people love change, they love the rush it gives them. For me, its terrible. A planner runs my life, and without it, I panic. But if I let the fear of change run my life, where will I go? I’ll be stuck is this eternal pit of adequate. As much as I don’t like it, I have to break out of this cycle and reach for something. I think the reason I dont like change is because its easy, easy to be adequate. If I break the circle, I think, I’m afraid I’ll fail.

Failure isn’t acceptable. It’s not allowed. But at the same time, its necessary. I guess when I allow myself to fail, then I’ll be able to tolerate change. So, I have to jump - into the unknown and hope that all my planning and routine catches me, and allows me to change.

Tonight we’re standing on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
The battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?
It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
When the walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up, cause we never gave in
We’ll sing halleluia

my role model

This week in NSO training we’ve been talking about all the wonderful things Pepperdine has to offer. From its great caf food, great professors to the amazing international programs (IP) it offers. The motto to IP is, “Crossing Boundaries, Changing Lives.” I thought it was cool because by participating in these programs, you do cross boundaries, and take it from someone who went, it does change your life. But the cool thing, I think, is that when we cross those boundaries, be that with a best friend, family member or stranger, they do change your life.

We all have someone in our lives that has changed us in such a way, that we can never go back. For me, I really think that person (along with my amazing mom and dad) is my brother. I don’t think he knows it, or even if he really cares, but he’s that one person in my life, that at the end of the day I thank- because he’s changed me in ways he doesn't know, or will probably ever understand. We were never those lovely dovey brother/sister relationship. You know those kinds, the ones that watch movies together in bed, play ‘tickle monster (think Friends)’, giggle- we were not them. We’re uber sarcastic, always mocking, to the point my mom tries to make us stop. But at the end of the day, he’s the one encouraging me to find what I want, reach for my goals, and search until I find what makes me happy. He looks out for me, protects me and even though we don't say it, loves me. He has this effect on my life- like most brothers do on their little sisters, that makes me want his approval. I feel like, if my brother likes something, then its ok for me to also. He’s my role model, my best friend and my brother - no boy will ever be better than him, and I hope he knows that.

the golden age.

In the shadows of a golden age
A generation waits for dawn
Brave carry on
Bold and the strong

Only the young can say
They’re free to fly away
Sharing the same desires
Burnin’ like wildfire

-Rod Stewart - "Forever Young"

is this it?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I’ve noticed that I spend alot of time, worrying. Worrying about whats next, who I’m supposed to be with, what I’m supposed to do with my life, who I am. But the funny thing is, is that it’s already planned. It’s all laid out, every aspect of everything and still, I sit here, wondering is this it?

It’s tough when you finally have to sit back and let someone else take the reigns. Let someone else worry, but its the only way to allow yourself inner peace. It seems like all girls talk about these days is who, what, when, why, ect.. we try to figure things out, piece by piece and understand what everything means, but sometimes its not up to us.

Sometimes we have to trust that there is a plan for us, for what we can’t control, for what we can’t understand. Its hard but eventually we figure out who we are. We are destined for greatness. We are created to succeed. There’s a place for everyone, and sooner or later, we find solace in that place.

This is real, this is me,
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now,
Gonna let the light, shine on me,
Now I’ve found who I am,
There’s no way to hold it in,
No more hiding who I wanna be,
This is me


Too often the thing you want most is the one thing you cant have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

The pulse of blood.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Time Passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

The New Moon

summer lovin'

teen choice awards…twilight&harrypotter…the amazing race...the jonas brothers... peanut m&ms…blogging…secret lover…biancos…sushi brokers…. old town scottsdale...sisterhood of the traveling pants…youtube…the wedding… tequila-patron silver…Olympics 2008…3 glasses of chardonay…Earls…Starbucks… vampire girlfriends…parking lots…gilbert…best friends…camp rock… stingray…becoming seniors…the dark knight… hot yoga… growing up.

Will my weakness fall?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough - Am I strong enough to make it through the day to day? Through the trials? Through the pain and hurt? Will I find the courage to survive it? Will I find the strength to fight my way through? Sometimes I feel like I’m doing all I can to keep my head out of water, to stay up, to keep fighting. Is it enough, am I enough? Do I have what it takes to make it through? To win?

Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I’ve never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plans?

Me, and only me can decided if I have what it takes. But can I make it work? Can I succeed? Can I take the privileges and advantages I have been given and make something of myself?

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life’s unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don’t go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you’ll miss the whole damn thing

Everyone goes through self-doubt, the feeling that nothings gonna cut it. But its up to me. I answer to me, I fail according to me, I succeed within myself. No one else fails or succeeds in respect to me. I win , I succeed, and in the end, I am enough.

through the eyes of me.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

a closer look.


hitting rock bottom

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I think there’s a point in every ones life where you hit rock bottom. Some peoples “rock bottom” is deeper than others, and some aren't very deep at all. Even though, I think everyone reaches a low in their life that shakes them to the core.

It’s important, its what makes us strong, gives us courage and builds our character. Everyones different, some deal with alcohol, drugs, partying, take your pick. It doesn't matter what is it, or how low you got, but what really matters is how you pull yourself out of rock bottom.

Junior year wasn't my best year, I had some struggles, fought (a lot more than usual) and overall wasn’t content with the way my life was going. But I think recognizing that, and making changes to fix it, is what really defines the struggle and the person. I lost some friends, fought with others, but the difference between a strong person and a weak one, is the one who can get through those, understanding the outcome. I lost a good friend this year, not totally and completely gone, but almost there. It took me stepping outside of the situation to realize, and losing her was pretty close to rock bottom for me, regarding friendships.

Shit happens, you win some you lose some, and how you handle all that, is what makes you who you are. So, who are you? Who do you want to be? We’re our worst critic, and we’re the only ones who can change us.

the loss of words.

As a baby of the 80’s and a teenager of the 00’s I am proud to say that technology has always been a part of my life. First computer in 6th, cell phone in 7th grade, tv since I can remember, but when did the luxury of technologies take away from the essence of human contact? I never really thought about it until my best friend brought it up but take me for example, I swoon at a witty text message, get goosebumps from a voicemail and cry at a sappy romantic comedy. What happened to the days when girls swooned over elegant (hand written) love letters, or cried at the magic of real love. It seems like today all it takes is a “good talker.” If you can say the right words then that must mean your feelings are behind them.

It just seems like, people don't need people anymore. As long as they can call and text, the people at the other end, are just a minority detail. It’s sad really. Here’s a love note from Napoleon Bonaparte -

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil. Sweet, incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart! Are you angry? Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried?… My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for you lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!

You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.

Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.

So, even though sometimes its easier to let our cell phones do the talking, its our job to never forget the power of words.

click your heels three times.

surprisingly homesick.

greatest hit.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Say what you want - She’s on her way back to the top.

everyone's watching.

Everyone’s watching, waiting for you to fail, and what you do in the face of doubt, proves your character and proves that you and only you can chose your destiny.”


thank you

so I'm having really mixed emotions about this whole leaving thing. one day i’m really excited to get back to Malibu, the next day i’m trying to hold on to everything “Arizona” that i can possibly find. i’ve done this 3 times already! I should be getting used to this, I mean I am, but still, the last day of Arizona summer always kinda sucks.

i think i have the coolest family and friend base ever. 2 of my best friends came over today to help me cook dinner for the “last family dinner” of the summer. we had a great time marinating chicken and spending our last few hours together. tonight i realized how freaking awesome my friends are, and how ridiculous of a summer I've had with them. so, thank you to my amazing friends, you know who you are. don't change - get pumped for the fantastic days that Christmas is going to hold. i love you.

Not only do I have a rad group of friends, but I couldn't be more grateful for my family. i drank wine with my mom and dad, laughed with my brother and “sister in law (almost, i hope) and reminisced about the good ole days. i couldn't have a better family and i'd be lost without them. so, to them - i love you and thank you.

so back to those mixed emotions - i’m ready. i’m ready because i have the best fam and friends, and i know they’ll be there at Christmas when i’m back.

rock on. peace out Arizona, helllooo Malibu.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

go usa. go michael phelps. go team. proud to be an american.

I'll be your security.

Have you ever taken the time to fully acknowledge what makes you feel secure? Is it the presence of a loved one, a best friend, a loyal canine? Your house, your job, your car or even your cell phone?

For so long, I have feared change and the unknown and held tight to the things that were comfortable. Best friends, best boyfriends, best family - nothing uncomfortable. I started relying on those things to give me a sense of security. However, I limited myself to the bounds of my own internal walls - never venturing to the unknown and never acknowledging that those entities were holding me back. It wasn’t until I realized what security meant to me and let go of them, that I was finally free, free to do something great, something extraordinary. It’s scary and it’s challenging, but in the end it makes us stronger.

Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can’t be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

So, I guess what I’m saying, is we can’t be afraid of the unknown, because sometimes the unknowns become the security blanket we always hoped for.

only darkness.

Time takes it all. Whether you want it to or not, time takes it all away, time bares it away. And in the end, there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.

into the rush now.

Today, I'm all about thoughts of the day and what intrigues me now. bring it on.
So I wonder; why am I in such a hurry to grow up? is it because recently everything being talked about regards my future? or because i’m ready to find that special someone, have kids and finally “start my life?” it seems like the world is moving in such a fast pace around us that all we can do, is hold on tight and hope it doesn't throw us off.
lately everyone is rushing into things. rushing into relationships, friendships, life… not taking the time to realize whats there. one day you will stop and the world will carry on. lovers will love, others will shop, laugh and cry - sometimes alone, sometimes together, but the radio will keep playing. and after all that rushing and racing towards the finish line, nothing will matter but the love you gave, the souls you touched and the people you changed. they will carry on for you and pick up where we left, the rushing will stop, but the world wont.
Ok, ya know when you have someone right in front of you, willing to give them self to you, and all you can think is, ‘how fast can i run away?’
Then you have someone that presents themselves at the perfect moment. They don't give too much, or too little… just enough - but not enough to grant the full satisfaction needed. There you are, presented with these two ideals, and all you want is the one who wont give himself to you. The one who hides his feelings because of the situations. The one who puts on a mask to spare you the details. You try to find the words to free him from this imagined obligation but nothing seems to work. He puts up a wall because for some reason he wants it to be there. It stops you because he wants it too and when he’s ready, it’ll fade away and it will reveal the dreams beyond. But until that moment, that ever changing moment, that will ultimately affect both of your lives, you stay still. you are the silence between the two, the white space between the letter, and until the missing is found, you cant be the thing that makes everything else, a something.
If love and beauty were something that were obtained easily then they wouldn't exist. chaos and sadness exist so that we can find the love and beauty in them, so that they mean something. its meant to be hard, but them it makes so much more to look forward too.

fresh air.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

“A breath of fresh air” -My best friend.

waiting on a cure.

a little bit longer. recently this phrase has been popping up a lot in my life and with those around me (besides the fact that its a fantastic Jonas brothers song) but its being used regarding everything. a little bit longer and i’ll graduate college. a little bit longer and ill figure out what i want to do with my life. a little bit longer and my relationship will be stronger/better/healthier. a little bit longer and i’ll get my life on track. a little bit longer and ill finally be happy with where i’m at. a little bit longer- and i’ll be fine.

when does ‘a little bit longer’ become now? I feel like you can be happy tomorrow, You can be happy when you graduate. Happy when you get a job, happy when you find the right soul mate. You can be happy when the weather suits you or when you get through your list of things to do. But what about the here and now? When did I lose sight of the present, only to wait a little bit longer, in hopes of being happy.

I guess that hardest part is looking the present dead on, and accepting life for what it is. Accept that happiness is a state of mind and that contentment is obtainable. So breathe in deep, and stop waiting a little bit longer and be happy now.

constant editing.

Other people will edit you your whole life. They’ll take what you say and keep the bits they like and throw away the rest.

Don’t edit yourself. Let other people do it for you.

taking the time

Thursday, August 7, 2008

This summer has been alot about catching up with old friends, old relationships and taking a look into the past. its funny, everyone says, ‘lets do lunch/dinner or coffee’ but actually getting to the location is the hard part. since I've been home, i have had two dinner catch up dates, two coffee dates and one lunch date, all with people that i don't keep up with regularly throughout the hustle and bustle of normal life. its nice to sit and catch up, but it makes me think - when is life going to become one big game of catch-up?

Married with children sounds ideal, but it also takes away my ability to spend days and nights with friends, giving me responsibilities that keep me away from my 12 daily phone calls discussing text messages and TV shows.

When am i going to be ready to give up single hood and the opportunities to be carefree and reckless to join the rest of the married population. am i ready to play catchup, with those closest to me?

I guess that's part of maturing, is realizing that life does become one game of cat and mouse, chasing those who used to always be in the know, just for one chance to get together and enjoy a nice cup of joe.

wandering into the unknown.

so i’m gonna come out and say it -

I’m nervous/anxious to embark on my life as an adult. Granted I still have a year left, but then when that comes, will I be ready? This entire summer revolved around, “what are you going to do with your life” “what do you wanna be” “where are you going to live” questions, and while those kind of ideas are fun for the first, um…2 times you hear them, they start wearing me out.

I guess I’m struggling with the idea, that just because I graduate college, means I’m an adult. In what “life book” does it say that, “once one graduates college, they are ready for adulthood?” Where’s the line between college senior and responsible adult? and what makes people think it cant be blurred?

I want to be a writer. I want to be a writer that inspires people. And, I think there’s a difference between inspiring people by doing rad things, like mission work, being a doctor, saving lives and I think theres a way of inspiring people through words and through the reassurance of your struggles and achievements. I want to be the difference in someones life - it doesn't have to be big - home-run out of the park difference -but something that makes people think. When does wanting something mean achieving it? Will I achieve it once I reach mature adulthood?

That's it! Once I graduate (May 2, 2009, 1030am) I will start achieving my goals, become a well acclaimed writer and make differences. Be prepared internet-bloggers, I’m about to rock your world.

the one with the explanations.

Where would we be without best friends? for me, i wouldn’t be the person i am today, without the support and love of my 4 best friends. they teach me and love me in a way, completely different then my family, and in the end has taught me so much about growing up, love&life.

So, onto the explanations - I have 4 best friends, in high school we called each the fab five. yeah, we were those girls - the ones everyone talked about behind our backs, it was fine. we loved each other enough.

We are all very different. two of us played basketball, two were cheerleaders, one was a tennis player. in height we range from 5’4 to 6’1 - blond, brunette, short, long, all very different but still very much the same.

C-tizzle, will be her nickname. our friendship was the typical, ‘met freshman year in hs’ friendship. she introduced me to makeup, thongs, and boys. she practically lived with me till we were seniors and continues to be my constant support. we’re completely different but i think that's why we continue to be such best friends. shes hilarious and sarcastic and absolutely gorgeous, but down to earth- basically fantastic.

My beautiful model 6’1 friend doesn’t give herself enough credit. she’s stunning, one of those girls that as soon as she walks in the room, grabs the attention of everyone, including girls. she doesn’t see the beauty she possesses and i think that’s what really makes her different, she only seems the imperfections, when everyone elses sees perfection. she has a heart of gold and a love for her friends.

My cheerleader love, i have known since 1st grade. she has a nickname that has stuck her her since-forever- and she continues to be one of my best friends. shes the friend that tells it to you straight up. no bullshit, no screwing around, and that's what i love about her. she’s brilliant, a mind for everything. she knows pop culture like you wouldn't believe, but can talk politics with the best of them. she keeps it real, and is probably my most ‘raw’ friend. she is the beautiful, southern belle, prettier than any Texan i know. she doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve like some of my other friends, but she loves in a different way.

My other cheerleader i have known since 2nd grade. shes wonderful, very independent and does things on her own time. there is no telling this girl what to do, because if it doesn't sound OK to her, then it wont happen. shes what the model friend calls cynical because she doesn't buy the fairy tale bullshit. shes hilarious and has really grown into who she is. she’s been through alot, but at the end of the day would put aside her own problems to be there for a friend.

Trust me on this, we do not all get along all the time. we’ve broken up, bitched each other out, cried about fights, made up, fought again, but at the end of the day, we’re best friends. we might not be as close as we were in hs, but that doesn’t change what we’ve gone through together, and that alone is what friendship is all about- getting through the hard times, and knowing that your friends are at the other end, pulling you through them.


yes, we were those girls.

time warp.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Consistent Spontaneity.

enjoy the map-of-me.

I found the quote below and I realized a blog is exactly what I was looking for.

Thought of the day: A blog is perfect because it is something to explain me, and not to be judged, or criticized, but to be heard. Isn’t that what everybody wants, is to be heard? To explain their side of the story, their opinion, their hopes&dreams.

Enjoy - soak it in, that's good shit.


This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me."

Colleen Wainwright

time to shine.

today i took a big step - i showed my mom and my best friend my blog. high five for me. i know i know, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to have some of the most important people in my life read my inner thoughts, kinda scares the hell out of me. but whatever, they love me regardless right?

so today i took this survey for school regarding my strengths and weaknesses, and wanna know what it told me? nothing. it was basically useless, asking me redundant questions about whether or not i like group discussions or if i focus too much on the past.

however, it did allow me to think about my strengths and weaknesses and i came to a conclusion. i think my greatest strength is my ability to love. i love people, things places everything. overall, I'm pretty much a sappy girl that is enthralled by love. i appreciate its meaning relating to relationships, friends family and all that but i also understand that its necessary to everyday life. imagine a day without love, and I'm not talking about mushy text messages from your significant other, i mean real love. the kind that doesn't need reminding, but that raw everyday stuff.

anywayyys - onto my weaknesses, which i honestly think is the ability to be vulnerable. I'm not. i have this brick wall between me and anyone who really tries to get close to me. i have my mom dad brother and sister, my 3 REALLY best friends and that's about it. recently a close friend of mine has come back into my life and it excites me, but at the same time, losing her a year ago made me vulnerable. and i’ve never put up a wall to a best friend and losing her forced me too and i hated it. it made me cynical to the term “friendship” and what it means to be a friend, and i don't blame her for that, but at the same time it caused some resentment. being vulnerable scares me because i was once, and an ex-boyfriend used that against me and i got hurt because of it. i don't blame him completely for my lack of vulnerability but i do relate back to that regarding other relationships. soo because of that, and from the quiz, I'm learning to allow myself to be vulnerable - whew.

the purpose of the quiz was to figure out my psyche and so on and so forth, but i think it allowed me to look at things from a different perspective. there are so many ‘quizes’ in our lives and sometimes looking at them from the outside is the right answer.

finding your inner voice.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs

The casualness of casual sex.

This quote comes from an article from the New Yorker -

“I learned something from all of the men I dated. Sexually, I learned plenty about what turns me on. More important, by spending time in uncommitted relationships, what I wanted in a committed relationship became clearer — and it wasn’t amorous antagonism but a partnership that didn’t trigger self-protectiveness. I also discovered that a lot of young men are scared shitless — of women, themselves and their future; that, contrary to our cultural imaginings, they are just as desperate to figure things out as young women.”

Brilliant, right?


recently i have fallen in love with the jonas brothers. my best friend and i are on a mission to find them :) enjoy the pic - completely gratuitous.

finding a place.

Monday, August 4, 2008

So, I really want a tattoo. I don’t know where to put it or any of those details but I want it to say ‘grace’ here’s the definitions of grace, I think they’re pretty rad.
  • My grandmothers name.
  • My middle name.
  • Elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action
  • Pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
  • Favor or good will.
  • A manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean’s grace that I wasn’t expelled from school
  • Mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
  • Favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
  • An allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied
  • Theology.
    • The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
    • The influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
    • A virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.
    • Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God’s favor or one of the elect.
  • Moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.
  • A short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.
  • Usually initial capital letter) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually prec. by your, his, etc.).
  • Graces, Classical Mythology. the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.
  • To lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.
  • To favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one’s presence.

completly obsessed.

So reading has really never been my thing. in highschool i did it because if not, mr. midkiff would have my head. then came college and all i had time for were big bad textbooks. not until recently have i discovered the feeling of getting lost in a good book.

I remember in mr fays 3rd grade class this girl kathy. i’ll never forget her. dark eyes framed by these glasses that look like they’d been passed down from her great grandmother. short poofy, mousy brown hair, always pulled back with a headband and she was obviously dressed by her mother, with no say in the matching plaid pant suit she wore. one thing though, she always had her nose buried in a book, in 3rd grade! and it was always at least 500 pages, while every other (normal) kid was out running around on the playground, kathy sat in the shade, reading and reading. there was even one time, she was sneak reading under her desk during class and got in trouble.

Anywayyys - the point of this i dont really know, besides pure and innocent humor, but i was never a reader, or a plaid wearing for that matter, until recently.

Last summer, I started the Harry Potter series and much to my chagrin I really feel in love with them. I started them based on my ideal that, in order to have an opinion on something, you have to have a knowledge of that subject. so, I started reading, and got lost in them. I finished the 7th book this summer, and now I’m already started on a new series, Twilight. It’s about vampires, I was never into vampires. My best friend, shes another story. LOVED the Buffy series, and Angel and all that jazz - but it never fascinated me, until Stephenie Meyer made it into a deep love story - with characters that happen to like the flavor of blood. I LOVE it. Its so intreiging to me and I can’t stop reading. I bought the 2nd book today and plan on spending my afternoon, like my 3rd grade friend Kathy - with my nose buried in a book, reading&reading.

the irreplaceable spark.

Do not let your fire go out sparked by an irreplaceable spark and the hopeless swamps are not quite, are not yet, are not at all. tonight do not let the hero in your soul perish the moment of frustration for the life you deserve and have never been able to reach, the world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it impossible, it is yours.


so i’ve never really blogged before. i mean, whats really the point, an online ‘forum’ where random people can read your deepest darkest thoughts? I guess I’ve always been sort of a cynic for this kind of stuff. but then I stumbled across my friends blog, read a couple entries, took it for what it was worth, and here i am, blogging.

i’ve decided that relationships are for certain people, relationship people. i went to my friends wedding yesterday and for the first time, i honestly say what true love means. it was strange because ive been to lots of weddings, cousins, friends, i was even a maid of honor in one, but i never have actually felt the love that the couple supposedly is sharing, until yesterday. it literally made me cry because it was so raw. everyone felt it and everyone shared in it. it was absolutly surreal. and there it was, i am not a relationship person, as much as a people person. i need people around me, constantly. for some reason, ive grown up, so afraid of being alone. regarding friends, boyfriends, comrads, you name it, i have them around me. but when someone gets too close, becomes something more, i freak out, and send them packing. its like, i yearn for the companionship, but as soon as it becomes a relationship, i’m over it. maybe one of these days, ill find someone who just needs companionship- and then my problems of love and realtionships will be finished

I have this one friend who belives in the hope of soul mates, true loves and basically perfect harmony. not to say that i dont belive in true love, because hopefully one day, ill have the kind of love that makes people cry over, but this girl belives in it to the upmost. alot of the times i find it nauseating because of the hope she has in flowers, details and ‘i love yous’ but sometimes it makes me wonder, when did i turn from the girl with hopes of a fairy tale, to the cynical relationship-less girl with no more hopes then that of the grinch? does the constant need to be loved turn into the contant need to be needed? maybe one day i’ll be able to look some man in the eye and say i love you and mean it more then just ‘thanks for keeping me company’ until then, let them pass through, with the hope that one day they’ll need me.

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