This year.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It’s hard to believe that 2008 is over already. It seems like just yesterday I was making my 2008 new years resolutions. I can honestly say it’s been one of the best years of my life. The beginning was kinda shaky, but like everyone does I fought through, lost some friends but made other relationships stronger. I got 2 amazing roommates in a beautiful apartment. I celebrated my 21st birthday, twice, with my amazing family and friends. I witnessed two beautiful weddings and the power of love. I got reacquainted with an old friend. I started my senior year at Pepperdine, I started this blog ☺ I grew up a lot, I fell down more and yet I learned more about myself then I thought possible. I found my strengths and tried to understand my weaknesses a little more. I cried, but I laughed more.

One thing, I’m not going to do this year is make resolutions. That sounds super pessimistic and debby downerish, but my thoughts on resolutions is that, when you think of it as a resolution it allows you to break it, because most resolutions are. So, this year I’m going to set goals, because goals can’t ever been broken, they can change and modify and grow, but they can never break.

At the beginning of 2008 I was so scared of growing up, and moving on and the inevitable change I knew was coming, but after seeing the wonders of 2008, I’m even more excited to venture into 2009. It’s time for graduation, more birthdays, more relationships & much more life. So here’s to more growing, more moving and more changing and the hope of the new year.

Happy new years, may all your goals come true.

Meaning in the midst of chaos.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Today is the day we set everything aside and try to find some meaning in the chaos of the world around us. So in spite of the people who will fight around you, the family members who’ll argue, the one’s who’ll tell you it’s all a waste of time and money, on your own or with someone else, you go out there and you find a moment.

So look to those who mean the most, spend it with people who matter, worry tomorrow & celebrate today. Enjoy every smile, every moment and every laugh. Take your time, relax, remember and don’t make a fuss. Eat fatty foods and sugary desserts; rip open presents with reckless abandon & bask in the beauty of a light Christmas tree. Because these are the things that matter. These are the moments you’ll remember. These are the people you’ll cherish. Because that’s what it’s all about, finding the one serene, beautiful moment, when the world and everything in it makes sense. It’s rare. And it doesn’t get handed to you on a platter. Which is why you’ve got an entire day to look for it.

Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday Mom <3

You'll shoot your eye out.

all day- christmas day. merry christmas to me.

Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

Be glad of life.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work,
to play, and to look up at the stars."

Henry Van Dyke

Reunited and it feels so good.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So, this might sound a little melodramatic, but think zoey 101 (sans pregnancy) meets a toned-down gossip girl without as much fashion IQ or xanex… Tonight it happened -the fab five (don’t kill me) came back. It was totally better than a 90210 reunion party would be with Brandon and Kelly staying together, hard to imagine right? I kind of felt like we stepped back in to 2005 minus the Dennis uniforms and with a little more edge and life experience.

But nonetheless, it was best friends, since 1st grade, 7th grade, 9th grade getting together to just, be together. The 5 of us haven’t been in the same place in over a year, and stepping back into our unchanging Starbucks, it felt as it we’d never left. Granted we had a little more to talk about, hash out, laugh about, and yet while we’ve all changed & grown apart, its like we are starting to grow back together.

There was a point in our conversation where I sat back and just kind of watched, not in a stalker clay aiken, “invisible” way, but just observing. it was one of the best feelings, sitting there with my best friends, who have been there for me and vice versa in so many different ways, all reminiscing about the past and all talking about the future.

We don’t have to talk everyday let alone see each other every day, but the five of us have this bond that, I honestly believe, is not going to go away or break. For all those critics out there, I’m not naive, I understand people go away & fall apart, but the five of us are like those annoying ex-boyfriends that no matter what you do, you can’t ever get rid of. We’re here to stay, we’re going to make it through the thick and thin.

This isn’t one of those reunions that will become old like Tila Tequila reunion shows, so stay tuned, it can only get better.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

There’s nothing scary about choice. Scary is when you don’t have choice. And who you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now.

I carry your heart.

Monday, December 15, 2008

"I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it
Anywhere i go you go, my dear;
And whatever is done
By only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root
And the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart"

-E.E. Cummings

The disappearing sun.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Today I had the best run ever. It was around 5pm, just as the sun was setting behind Mummy Mountain and I was running, sometimes sprinting, sometimes walking, but none the less, running. It was one of the most clarifying runs I’ve had in a while. I rocked out to the classics, Carrie Underwood, some Beyonce and a little Britney Spears of course, and I was making the trek (or fast paced walk) up the mountain, good old Iron and Wine came on. And as i got to the top of the mountain and looked out over the valley, the song was in full swing, and it was one of the best alone moments I’ve had.

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding
Or lost you?

I was looking out over the valley, watching as the sun set and I realized that Arizona is the most beautiful place ever. The sky was this mix of burgundy and hot pink, with the 4 peaks a deep blue and I watched as all the houses below simultaneously start turning on their lights. There was this big mansion I was standing close to, and i saw this little girl, with this wide-eyed excitement, turn on her Christmas tree, only to stand back and admire the lights. I know it doesn’t mean much, but it was one of the coolest moments.

It made me realize that sometimes all you need is another perspective. From the top of the mountain the entire city was so beautiful, and innocent, just like the little girl. The top of the houses reflected what was left of the disappearing sun, as the shadows cast the most beautiful glow on the mountainsides. Earlier, I was driving around, Scottsdale road and camelback, frustrated with the city, it was just so busy and everyone was out for themselves. But standing alone, i had another view of my hometown.

Sometimes it takes a birdseye view to get another look, to see the bigger picture. Maybe we get so drown down in our own world, and our teeny tiny bubble that we forget that there’s another perspective, another view. We (or should I say I) sometimes forget that this world is so much bigger than my own imagination. That the way I see things, and the way i deal with things isn’t always the best. That maybe, just maybe, if I take time to look at things from another view, I’ll see that my busy, mean world, isn’t always, and that things aren’t always are as they seem. Sometimes we need to see the city lights in order to see the beauty, and sometimes we need to see the sunset to remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

The bit of shade.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Broken she
Has her arms twisted
Is pointing at me
I’ll stand, but I ain’t coming
Over as she
She spoke with a voice
That struck at the sky
She said, “come on over to the bit of shade.
I’ll wrap you in my arms”
And She said, “Let me sign”
“Let me sign"


Monday, December 8, 2008

where was this camp when i was younger? I wanna go!

jennifer aniston, winnie cooper, urkle and dj tanner?

Let's drive far.

almost there. 4 days and counting.

But the greatest of these is Love.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Sometimes all you need is a good quote:

Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life—love should not be one of them.”
“Love comes to those who still hope, even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.”

And sometimes all you need is God. I think we forget this sometimes. We look and look, but until we have aligned our hearts and minds to think like this, we’ll never find it.

1 Corinthians 13-

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s something we just can’t forget.

Diving chaos.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride."

Too much.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

“In life, God doesn't give you the people you want.. instead He gives you the people you need.. to teach you, to guide you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you should be.”

-too much for your own good.

Don't waste another minute.

Show me that smile again.
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.
We’re nowhere near the end
The best is ready to begin.

old school.

[old school]

Oooohhh. As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands.
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’.

As long as we keep on givin’
we can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other Sharin’ the laughter and love.

Am I fearless?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why do we do this? Lately I have been in this funk, that no matter what I do (or eat), I can’t seem to shake it. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, and the next I’m reminiscing, [People say he’s only in my head] yeah sometimes it’s the smell of a sweatshirt, [Gonna take time but I’ll forget] or a ticket stub or even the smell of chlorine [Say I need to get on with my life]- but it still doesn’t make it any easier. I wish I could just shake it off, wake up one morning and feel relieved. It’ll come, it always does, I just wish I could make it come sooner.

Running, running as fast as I can - I really hope I make it (do you think I’ll make it?). I’m running, keep holding my hand. Its so we don't get separated
Be the one I need, Be the one I trust most. Don't stop inspiring me Sometimes its hard to keep on running, we work so much to keep it going. Don't make me want to give up.

Even though that kicked in the chest feeling sucks, it’s the little things that make me feel better. Coming home to the best roommates ever, knowing they’ve been there too, looking at my Christmas tree, talking to my mom, bbming. Maybe we just need to learn to “drink up the sunshine.”

I don’t wanna dream about all the things that never were. Maybe I can live without- When I’m out from under, I don’t wanna feel the pain. What good would it do me now I’ll get it all figured out. When I’m out from under. And part of me still believes, when you say you’re gonna stick around. And part of me still believes we can find a way to work it out. But I know that we tried everything we could try So let’s just say goodbye forever.

I don’t wanna dream about all the things that never were.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. I think love is FEARLESS.

I’m not bulletproof, and that’s okay.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad babe
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad babe
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

She’s so heavy
Heavy, heavy, heavy

She’s so heavy
She’s so heavy, heavy, heavy

I want you, I want you so bad
I want you, I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

I want you, you know I want you so bad babe

The Potential to Explode

If you really knew how I felt, you’d call an ambulance.

I should never think
What’s in your heart
What’s in our home, so I won’t

You’ll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love so call me by my name

And save your soul
Before your TOO far gone
Before nothing can be done

I’ll try to decide when
She’ll lie in the end
I ain’t got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It’s the one thing that I’ve known

Once I put my coat on
I coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please I’m in love

Girl save your soul go on save your soul
Before your too far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me You got it all So hold on


epic proportions.
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