One of those days.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I feel like life is full of contradictions. There’s always one side that’s pulling you here and another that’s pulling you there. When I think about my life in 3 years I find myself faced with two entirely different options. The endless battle between the heart and the head.

I want to go home, but I want to be in Malibu. I want to be a journalist, but I want to be a lawyer. I want to get married and raise a family, but I want to be an independent person. I’m a lover and a fighter. I get angry but I’m the happiest person ever. I’m graceful, but I fall down alot. I have OCD but I love spontaneity. I am strong, but I’ve been broken. I’m a writer, but I’m at a loss for words. I love God, yet I question Him. I want to be healthy, but I love fatty foods. I know I should, but I don’t want to.

When I am going to find the balance between the two and the comfort in my answer? [I said, “Where’ve you been?” He said, “Ask anything.”] It’s as if God’s giving me these two life decisions - sending me in opposite directions and I have to chose. [Where were you, when everything was falling apart.] What if I chose wrong? What if I fail? I think it’s time for me to stop, listen and consider or else I will walk away trying to ignore the obnoxious thunder of the words pounding in my head. [To the corner of 1st and Amistad] Either way, I’m forced to think, and I believe in all regards, that’s a good thing.

Everyone has those days right? The ones where you can’t stop thinking about the one thing that makes you weak? No one wants to admit when they’re weak. Initial reaction, “I’m fine, I’m not sad, blah blah blah” typical girl bullshit. But everyone feels it. Most of the time, those around you don’t even know. You get really good at hiding it and it isn’t until you’re alone, in your room, that you accept that. Everyone gets sad, and everyone breaks down. Today is one of those days.

Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions to decisions are made and not fought
But I thought, this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.

But then, we wake up the next morning and we fight. We get through it. We have that person that talked to us for 2 hours on facebook chat, making us feel all better. Because sometimes it’s in the simplest gestures and the smallest words that makes everything better.

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded.
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen

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