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Monday, April 20, 2009

Have you ever noticed the different ways people deal with pain? I’m not talking about taking Motrin for cramps or Advil for a headache but like the really dark sides of pain, the emotional side. I’m one of those people that when I’m hurting I don’t talk about it. I don’t want to discuss it, hash through it or be analyzed. I like to sit, think about it to myself, journal, blog and I keep it bottled up inside, until I’ve worked through it on my own.

For some people this way isn’t sufficient and they turn to other modes. I recently found out about someone I know who is cutting themselves in order to deal with that pain. And after we discussed it she told me that the pain she feels is so deep that the only way to get over it is to cause physical pain to herself. It’s scary because the way in which she talks about it is very nonchalant. The way I talk about blogging is the way she talks about cutting. It’s all part of the healing process. It’s scary because this not only causes her pain -but it scares others around her. When does our pain and the way we handle it start to cause pain to those around us?

Some people like to scream and yell and vent to friends, others get therapists and some bottle it up - it’s just all a part of the way we’re made. But maybe, if we can figure out the ‘right’ way to heal - we’ll actually heal.

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Last night we had our senior kappa send off. It was actually pretty sad. I didn’t think I would be that emotional about it, but when we starting singing our closing ritual song I started tearing up. It finally hit me that I’m never going to do that again - I’m never going to be an active Kappa - everything I worked for in the the last 4 years is now over. It’s like I finally have to start saying goodbye and it just hit me. It hit me that these people that are in my life, are not going to play as big of a role. These relationships that I keep saying, “time will decide” too are going to end in 2 weeks. That time I keep waiting for is over soon. Am I ever going to see these people again? Am I ever going to see these boys that I’ve been pining over since freshman year again? I always thought in college I’d find the person I’m “meant for” but now we’re all leaving, and these boys that I thought could be it - aren’t. Carly and I realized that even if we were supposed to be with those people, we’re not going to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. We’re going to find new people. We’re going to find new boys to pine over. Everyone said college was going to be the best four years of my life - I’m ready to see if the next four can beat it.

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen

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