Where no one knows my name.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm freaking out. I'm leaving for Boston in the morning for six weeks. For those close, they know that being home has been a bit of a struggle for me. Not the physical part of being home, or even the living with my parents part, I love that part. But the fact that my life went from going-going-going at a hundred miles-per-hour to two miles-per-hour in a span of 24 hours. One day I was in Malibu, the next I was driving across the desert to Arizona.

So, because of that slow-down anxiety, most would think I'm thrilled to fly across the country to enjoy Boston for six weeks, but... While I'm completely excited, I'm more nervous than ever. Basically the next six weeks determines my entire future, but I can't think about it that way, it's just hard. I feel like I have this enormous pressure I have to live up too and if I fail, I feel like I'm going to let a lot of people down. I have all these dreams, goals and aspirations and while they are entirely mine, its hard for me to say that some of those goals aren't there to please others as well. I want to make my family proud, I want to make my friends proud, I want to make my boyfriend proud. I want to show those who said I couldn't do it, wrong. I want to prove to my mass com professor that deciding I wanted to be a lawyer wasn't out of haste, but that I can actually do it. I want Dr. Benton to be proud, I want to make myself proud. I think that's what it really comes down to, me. If I were doing this to please those around me, I would have quit already. I would have moved onto something easier and much more accessible. But I'm going to do this for me. I'm going to prove to myself (and everyone else) that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. That regardless of what I doubt about myself, that I am smart enough. It just takes a little faith I guess. Faith in myself, in my abilities, and in what I know I can do. So, like I said in my post on March 16th, this is the big time baby. Here we go.
FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.
Boston scares me. I'm afraid of failing. But I'm not going to. That's the spirit. If you're not here to root for me, don't bother, I don't care. I'm going to do this regardless.

1 comment:

I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen

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