Number 349.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I've gotten a couple emails recently asking why I haven't been blogging lately, and not just posting random clips and pictures, but really blogging. Videos are easier than words and pictures are my visual diary. But here it is, that one big blog, that will maybe tide everyone over for a while :) or at least until I get back to Scottsdale (6 days!).

When I first started this blog I did it because I wanted to find a different way to create a senior thesis. I wanted a unique and personal way to really express myself without the usual 40 page paper. I wanted my professors to see a different side to "The Kristen" everyone thinks they see at school. I wanted to present myself in a much more raw medium that ultimately challenged myself and in turn, inspired those around me. My first blog was exactly 370 days and 348 blogs ago. It's crazy to believe that something I initially started as a project for school has turned into this. My first post was obviously written in the most cynical of moods and its apparent in the apathetic way in which its written. (sneak peak - click here). It's called dazed&confused and I think that's how it started. I was dazed and completely confused as to how my senior year was going to go, and starting right from the get-go, my blog was the most honest thing I've ever written. I wanted to write this to inspire myself and others. Like I said in my valedictorian speech, I want to inspire people. If one, single person walks away from my blog and takes the littlest line or quote to heart then I feel like I've accomplished what I've set out to do. I want to be honest, I want to inspire, I want to encourage. I want to show people that it's okay to hurt and to cry. It's okay to let people know you're hurting, that's how we get through it all. I wanted to be honest. Now, here I sit, 348 blogs later, hopefully still accomplishing that goal and honestly still dazed and confused.

This year, to date, as been one of the most emotionally, physically and mentally draining years of my life. I've said it many times before, but as amazing as senior year is, it's hard, it's challenging, it's fun & it's confusing. I grew up, I feel down, I picked myself back up and here I am, standing, one year later, with only a couple scratches to show for it. Lauren 'tweeted' this a couple days ago and being the blogger I am, I wrote it down in my moleskin for future access. "The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again." And, after my final year in college, 6 weeks at LSAT boot-camp, this is where I'm left. But it's exciting, isn't it? There's so much more. It's exciting to know that this isn't it all. There is so much more we're left to do. There's so much more to prove.

"So what would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud? I never said thank you for that, now I'll never have a chance. May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends."

Recently, I've been struggling with the fact that things are outside of my control. I've been realizing that some decisions I've made have hurt others. Decisions I've made have caused others to struggle. At some points I feel like what I'm doing right now, needs to be about me. I need to be selfish, I need to figure myself out before I can truly make someone else happy. How am I supposed to be what someone else needs if I can't even be enough for me? But at the same time, does that give me the right to hurt others around me? I'm making mistakes, but I refuse to second guess what I'm doing, because it's all just part of this journey.

"So just live, have wonderful times and make mistakes,
but never second guess where you've been, where you are,
and most of all where you're going."
-Sex and the City.

This experience in Boston has been one for the memory books. It's taught me that I'm adaptable. I can do it. I'm capable. Lets hope the next 6 weeks go as smoothly as these last 6 have. I'll miss this place. Another beautiful city I can add to my lists of 'homes,' and just like the others, this one will stay in my memories & my heart forever.

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen

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