Surf and Sand.

Friday, February 27, 2009

where the surf means the sand, that’s where you’ll find me - for the next week.

peace out Malibu - welcome to Cabo.

I'm not looking back.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I didn’t ask for you. I was so much stronger without you. I was content. I wasn’t looking for you. And then, you pushed through my walls and you broke them down. You started asking questions. You started caring. You came looking for me. You let me believe in something again. You restored my faith. You took me off guard and my heart ran away with you. And then you left. You stopped caring and now three months later you’re wondering. And it sucks, because I want to let you in again. I want to let you break down those walls. I want you to restore my faith again. But I can’t, and I won’t. It’s not fair. Because I’ll never let you take me off guard again. I’ll never let you have the upper hand. And as much as I want to hear you say you’re sorry, it’s not worth giving you that satisfaction. So keep wondering. Keep asking how why and where. But you’ll never know. Because, when you ran- I did too, and I won’t look back.

You're not ready.

patience.

80 miles per hour

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I was driving on the freeway last night on my way to pick up Kate and I was making the bend onto the 405 South when I realized it was such a fantastic view. It was this spiral effect with red and white lights. Take away all the angry faces and cigarette butts and it was a spectacular view. Then it hit me, ya know that trust you get when you’re driving on the freeway? It’s that fast paced 80 miles per hour trust.

Last night I didn’t know a soul on the freeway, but I drove with an unknowing trust that I don’t give to many people, and it worked. We all went along with no stops or accidents and maybe that’s how we should live our life. I’m not saying we should walk around trusting everyone and everything that passes us by. But on the flip side maybe keeping our guard up against everything is not the right way either. Maybe it’s all about finding the happy medium between living with unknown trust and protecting yourself against the unknown, maybe it’s about that 80 mile per hour trust that we need in our lives.

Who I am today.

Monday, February 23, 2009

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say
“But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.”

The best deceptions.

I woke up this morning in Arizona, preparing for my hour and 10 minute flight back to Malibu. My mom was making me eggs and guess what? out came two eggs from one shell, after she told me good luck I was on my way to the airport, only for all my luck to disappear. So, I’ve just been stripped searched by some grumpy old lady because my 3 tiny gold bracelets don’t come off and heaven forbid I give her something to do. But I have to pee. I walk into the bathroom and find a stall where the doors not broken. I walk in and of course there’s no place to hang my purse. So I’m trying to balance my purse while I put the toilet seat cover on. I finally sit. Then some fat lady next to me slams her door and mine flings open. I freak out and scramble to close door before my whoo-ha is exposed to the public. Then I get back up, all while balancing my purse, and wash my hands. I finally get out of the shit-whole (literally) only to step in a giant puddle of who knows what. Guys have no idea how easy they have it. zip-stand-zip. Ridiculous.

After that traumatic experience and a soggy boot, I start out on the gate search. Something happens, the heavens open up and “AHHH” Starbucks. After walking (or possibly jogging) to the counter, I order my usual, “tall soy sugar-free vanilla latte.” After being charged $7 I walk to the counter, patiently awaiting my warm goodness. She hands me my drink, sip, it’s regular milk (I’m dairy free…). I kindly walk back and tell the lady I asked for soy. She smiles and remakes it, sip, its regular milk, again. After the 3rd time, in her broken English, she says, “Sorry we’re out of soy.”

About this time, all I want is Gate C13. I find my seat, all alone, with my coffee and my blackberry, perfection. Along comes this (no joke) 300 pound, sweating man in a Bigdog XXXL t-shirt and an under-armor hat. He sits down next to his (what I later find out) son and says (very loudly), “that definitely took care of that problem.” He’s most likely going to be my row-partner. Awesome, it gets better. He starts telling his son, yes son, about how many “ladies he nailed this weekend.” Right, try, how many porn sites did you frequent?

I learned more in my hour and a half journey through sky harbor then I did in most of my pre-pubescent years. I learned that public restrooms are never clean, no matter how much the cleaning lady “mops the slops.” I learned that there are job opportunities for all in an airport Starbucks.

And mostly I learned that life is all about perceptions. Take for example the Floridian “cowboy” with the mullet and Frye boots. Or the grandma who looks like she’s going to a formal event in her black crushed velvet blazer - and she’s most likely yelling. My favorite though is the guy in the extra-tight diesel jeans, black leather-bound shoes, ed hardy t-shirt with a zip up ed hardy sweatshirt. He’s walking around so everyone can see him with his $40,000 smile, probably thinking his shit don’t stink, when he probably just left the bathroom.

It’s amazing how people want to be perceived. The airport is like one big day-time television episode. It’s full of drama, love, tearful goodbyes and fakes. At least it makes things more interesting before I have to board the sweat box and glide over to LA.

Maybe we give to much thought to how we’re perceived and not enough thought to how we actually are.

Can we please talk?

“I was wondering if you had a second. To talk about anything at all.”

Best kind of love.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul, makes us reach for more, plants a fire in our hearts, and brings peace to our minds."

The biggest risk of all.

Why on this day of celebrating love, do so many of us call it Singles-Awareness day? Is it the pessimism of the idea of love? Or maybe that it’s the fact that it’s an entire day celebrating the idea that we’re (or I’m) alone. It’s hard because I genuinely believe that everyone looks for love, they crave it, they want to be in love and experience it whole heatedly, but yet on a day centered around love, we seem to reject it.

Yet, I had an idea. Maybe it’s not the love part that we’re rejecting, but it’s that we didn’t chose to take a risk and love. Have you ever been in that place where you have two paths? You could chose to take a risk and try out something, or because of past failures, we pass, potentially passing on something great. They say that there are two kinds of love; there’s good love and then there’s great love -the kind that awakens the soul. Maybe so many people are pessimistic about this great day is because they’re realizing they passed up great love.

So on this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. That is is time to take risks. No tears to cry, because we’ve finally accepted love. No head to hang in shame, because regardless of if we celebrate this day alone or with someone, we can still find the meaning in it. It was all just in your head and really, they (or someone) love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

So, if I’m alone or with something else, this day is about celebrating the possibility of love. The fact that at the end of the day it’s all we have. We can’t be afraid anymore. Its about taking the risk of love. Maybe that is what celebrating Valentines Day is really all about.

Don't surrender.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

“Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

always loving, always praying, always there.

You’re the strongest person I know.

Odds&Ends.

Monday, February 9, 2009

“You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends, and how, how rare and strange it is, to find in a life composed so much of odds and ends… to find a friend who has these qualities, who has, and gives those qualities upon which friendship lives. How much it means that I say this to you -without these friendships - life, what cauchemar!”
T.S. Eliot

Blackbird fly.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The best thing about a good song is that it can take you back to a single instant -a perfect memory- a moment in time. It’s my own personal time machine. This is one of those songs.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Wait without hope.

I said to my soul be still, and wait without hope; for hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith. But the faith, and the love, and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

T.S. Eliot

The reason.

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.

Jacques BĂ©nigne Bossuel

People won't always leave.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sometimes knowing that you have a best friend who cares enough about you to write words this meaningful, is all you need.

People will always leave, and it will always hurt. But one remains. The one person who knows I’m hurting when I can’t feel it. The one person who really cares would never walk out on me, let’s face it, you should have so many times. I love you and don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you for being the most stable thing in my life. You’re strength is inspiring, and your heart is too big. I love Nug, and I love mid day cocktails. Thank you K.G.E.

No matter where we go when we graduate or where we end up, we’ll always have pepperdine, the house through the canyon, the house with the rats, and the best apartment ever. I’m not walking out. thanks c-bomb.

You deserve the day.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Calista!

You deserve the best day… thanks for everything you did for me today.

I love you.

Endless forgiveness.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

Peter Ustinov

Life Experience

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Memories - and they are good memories indeed.
Let me tell you that I saw your boyfriend walking down the street, he was standin’ all shaky, hands all sweaty and he could hardly speak. I might as well take a minute or two, to put you on to some game, you want a boy like him and a man like me and that’s just not the same.

Never mind an SMS, what you need is a sweet caress, everybody wanna talk too much, what you need is a special touch. What girl wouldn’t that feel right, a little dinner with a candle light and really when it comes down to it, pick a man that’s down to fight.

I’ll give you bonafide lovin
The type that makes me feel old

Let me tell you that I saw your boyfriend walkin’ down the road, he was standin’ all shook, couldn’t even look, and I was extra cold. I might as well take a minute or two to talk about the perks, Cause he can’t compete with a man like me, and that’s just how it works.

Look, this comes as no surprise, what you need is an older guy with a little bit of life experience, the right clothes and the right appearance. What girl wouldn’t feel nice, hot dinner with the candlelight, and really when it gets down to it, pick a man that’s down to fight.
It’s all apart of growing up.

One of those days.

I feel like life is full of contradictions. There’s always one side that’s pulling you here and another that’s pulling you there. When I think about my life in 3 years I find myself faced with two entirely different options. The endless battle between the heart and the head.

I want to go home, but I want to be in Malibu. I want to be a journalist, but I want to be a lawyer. I want to get married and raise a family, but I want to be an independent person. I’m a lover and a fighter. I get angry but I’m the happiest person ever. I’m graceful, but I fall down alot. I have OCD but I love spontaneity. I am strong, but I’ve been broken. I’m a writer, but I’m at a loss for words. I love God, yet I question Him. I want to be healthy, but I love fatty foods. I know I should, but I don’t want to.

When I am going to find the balance between the two and the comfort in my answer? [I said, “Where’ve you been?” He said, “Ask anything.”] It’s as if God’s giving me these two life decisions - sending me in opposite directions and I have to chose. [Where were you, when everything was falling apart.] What if I chose wrong? What if I fail? I think it’s time for me to stop, listen and consider or else I will walk away trying to ignore the obnoxious thunder of the words pounding in my head. [To the corner of 1st and Amistad] Either way, I’m forced to think, and I believe in all regards, that’s a good thing.

Everyone has those days right? The ones where you can’t stop thinking about the one thing that makes you weak? No one wants to admit when they’re weak. Initial reaction, “I’m fine, I’m not sad, blah blah blah” typical girl bullshit. But everyone feels it. Most of the time, those around you don’t even know. You get really good at hiding it and it isn’t until you’re alone, in your room, that you accept that. Everyone gets sad, and everyone breaks down. Today is one of those days.

Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions to decisions are made and not fought
But I thought, this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.

But then, we wake up the next morning and we fight. We get through it. We have that person that talked to us for 2 hours on facebook chat, making us feel all better. Because sometimes it’s in the simplest gestures and the smallest words that makes everything better.

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded.
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

Don't be a hypocrite.

Monday, February 2, 2009

You spend all your time looking for love yet you feel nothing even when its staring you in the face I will love again but You will spend all your life knowing you turned your back on love and that makes you a hypocrite."

Cruel Intentions

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