so graduation is coming. 26 days to be exact. Last night I cried at the very mention of the word - graduation. I really didn’t think it would be this way. I mean, I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this very moment since I was a senior in high school. And, ever since I’ve had this law school - corporate lawyer badass epiphany - graduating hasn’t been this looming doom that I thought. But, for some reason, last night, the idea of graduating was scarier than walking down a dark ally without Edward Cullen there to protect me.

With the foreshadowing of graduation, the stage and the fear of falling off it, people have been going through what seems to be an ‘end of college crisis.’ It’s like everyone is in panic mode. There are parties dedicated to the fact that there are only 25 days left, people are doing things they’ve never done before, all in hopes of grasping the last moments they have left. The idea that “These are the best 4 years of your life” are pulsing through the heads of everyone, and now everyone’s realizing they didn’t take advantage of Malibu and they’re trying to make it the best 4 weeks of our lives. People are going camping, hiking, going to clubs, toasting to the memories, laughing, and if you’re like me, crying. It’s a mix of emotions I’ve never really experienced before. High school graduation was kind of crazy, but nothing like this. A bitter-sweet, enticing, dramatic feeling that probably wont go away for a while. Its all about coming to a realization that things are going to be different - friends are going to disperse - and it’s never going to be the same. But at the end of the day - I think its what you do with that feeling. Do you take it, use it as energy and make something of it? Do you take advantage of these last moments? Or do you hide and run away from it all - hoping that somehow life will slow?

Last night, I had a conversation with someone that really hurt them. I ended a relationship that, while nothing was wrong with it, wasn’t the right thing for me right now. I’ve realized I want to be in a place in my life that promotes my own self growth and the only way to do that is to be true to myself and not cloud it with other things. He didn’t understand what I was saying - and was really hurt by my words. It sucks to have to do that - I was upset after, no joke - but I had to realize that at some point I have to think about me. I had to realize it’s okay to be alone, and it’s okay to figure things out on my own.

That’s what growing up is all about. Figuring out what’s best for you. Making decisions for you. I’m not saying, “go throw everyone under the bus” because without people involved in those decisions, there’s no-one to celebrate with later, but there comes a point where I have to make decisions, alone, because they benefit me.

So, make your toasts, do things you’ve never done before. Celebrate the fact that you made it. Grasp those moments. Take advantage- because in 26 days that graduation stage will be before us - and all we’ve have is our memories.

“Time Passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly,in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

“Broken she
Has her arms twisted
Is pointing at me
I’ll stand, but I ain’t coming
Over as she
She spoke with a voice
That struck at the sky
She said, “come on over to the bit of shade.
I’ll wrap you in my arms”
And She said, “Let me sign”
“Let me sign"

If you really knew how I felt, you’d call an ambulance.

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

I just saw Twilight for the second time in 2 days, and it never ceases to impress me. I’m so intrigued by it, and completely in love with Edward Cullen :)

Anywayyyys - you know those songs that when you hear them it make your heart beat erratically and you just can’t seem to get enough? Well there’s this scene in the movie where Edward & Bella are dancing and this song plays. I don’t know what the lyrics mean but here they are - maybe you’ll get it.

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your straight blind eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat
Cursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide/white fence cracks
Kissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill, stuck going down

that’s it - nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, but amazing and beautiful at the same time.

do you ever wonder if we’ve already found the one? if we’re walking around with that person day in and day out and have no idea? Sometimes, my biggest wish is that I’ll just know who I’m going to marry. Sometimes, I feel like if I just knew who he was, then it would make everything less complicated. But then I realize, that I’m not ready to meet him, and he must not be ready to meet me, we’re still being prepared for each other. My dad gave me a good piece of advice the other day… stop looking, you’re going to find the one, sometimes it just takes time. and as simple that is, maybe that's what we need to hear every once and a while, just stop looking because time takes it all.

sometimes all you need is a song to make your heart beat faster, sometimes all you need is to hear a simple piece of advice, sometimes you need to have faith, and sometimes all you need is one.

“Time Passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

The New Moon

So reading has really never been my thing. in highschool i did it because if not, mr. midkiff would have my head. then came college and all i had time for were big bad textbooks. not until recently have i discovered the feeling of getting lost in a good book.

I remember in mr fays 3rd grade class this girl kathy. i’ll never forget her. dark eyes framed by these glasses that look like they’d been passed down from her great grandmother. short poofy, mousy brown hair, always pulled back with a headband and she was obviously dressed by her mother, with no say in the matching plaid pant suit she wore. one thing though, she always had her nose buried in a book, in 3rd grade! and it was always at least 500 pages, while every other (normal) kid was out running around on the playground, kathy sat in the shade, reading and reading. there was even one time, she was sneak reading under her desk during class and got in trouble.

Anywayyys - the point of this i dont really know, besides pure and innocent humor, but i was never a reader, or a plaid wearing for that matter, until recently.

Last summer, I started the Harry Potter series and much to my chagrin I really feel in love with them. I started them based on my ideal that, in order to have an opinion on something, you have to have a knowledge of that subject. so, I started reading, and got lost in them. I finished the 7th book this summer, and now I’m already started on a new series, Twilight. It’s about vampires, I was never into vampires. My best friend, shes another story. LOVED the Buffy series, and Angel and all that jazz - but it never fascinated me, until Stephenie Meyer made it into a deep love story - with characters that happen to like the flavor of blood. I LOVE it. Its so intreiging to me and I can’t stop reading. I bought the 2nd book today and plan on spending my afternoon, like my 3rd grade friend Kathy - with my nose buried in a book, reading&reading.