The struggle.

October 29, 2009

I’ve been struggling. That’s a hard sentence to muster up the courage and come out and say. I’m struggling. The past couple weeks have been really hard, and they’re definitely starting to push my strengths to the extreme and test my weaknesses. It’s been a test of my faith. Carly subtly told me a great quote the other day, “faith is not faith unless its all you have to hold on too.” The best thing about Carly is that she knows how to be there without being pushy and even though she probably doesn’t understand the weight of that sentence, it was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. I’m struggling, but I’m re-learning to have faith. Yes, I have faith, but sometimes it takes shitty things to really learn what faith means, to learn what it takes. But isn’t that what faith is about? Questioning it when you don’t understand, believing in it when it’s all you have and never letting go because what would life be without it? So I’m going to struggle, and I’m going to lean on those around me and I’m going to have faith. Questioning, believing and holding on, but faith in its most basic form, because if I don’t have that, what do I have?

Forever in my heart.

October 28, 2009

I'm pretty sure the saying, "a dog is a man's best friend" is the understatement of the century. A dog is not just a mans (or woman's) best friend, a dog is something that proves that love can be, and is unconditional. A dog makes everything better when everything sucks. A dog is the best listener I've ever known. A dog is so much more than what some people perceive. Call me crazy for over-thinking what a dog really is, but tonight I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I put my dog to sleep, I let her go. After an hour in the room with my dad and brother, 2 slices of cheese (her favorite) later, it was finally time to say goodbye to my best friend. I've had Gracie since I was 9 years old, and now at 22 years old, I had to say goodbye. It sucks, and it hurts my heart, and to say it hasn't effected my family is a lie. Everyone that knew me, knew Gracie, and while I'm positive she's someplace better, somewhere where the cancer can't hurt her anymore, it still sucks. She'll be missed and always loved.

RIP Gracie- I miss you more than you'll ever know.

A vintage Kristen & Gracie.

November 30, 1997-October 28, 2009.

Hooray for birthdays!

October 27, 2009

Happy Birthday Whit - It's a celebration!

the memories don't fade.

October 23, 2009

Long conversations, great BBM's, memories of Villa Malibu 223.

Let's go back to being roommates - deal?

With all my heart.

The thing I've always loved about One Tree Hill is the narrative they have at both the beginning and the end with Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) saying something from Emerson, E.E. Cummings, John Steinbeck, William Blake, George Elliot, Henry James and the occasional Shakespeare. Ever since the show has started I've kept a word document of these brilliant quotes and believe it or not, I use them quite often. This one isn't a quote from one of the 'greats' but instead the characters themselves.

Peyton: Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want.

Lucas: Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile. The next wish come true.

Peyton: But if you believe that it is right around the corner. And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it....

Brooke: You just might get the thing you’re wishing for.

Nathan: The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it?

Haley: Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

Maybe if we start believing that the miracles are just around the corner and the next wish we wish will come true, it will. Maybe I have to start opening my heart and mind to all those possibilities. It's time I start believing in it, and myself, with all my heart.

another time & place.

October 19, 2009

Things happen, things rearrange themselves, and sometimes change is imperative. It's a weird time masked with insecurity and uncertainty, and maybe sometimes change is the little piece of confidence boost that everyone needs. Maybe it's a move to a new city, a new apartment, a new job. Or maybe it's a new roommate, new location and a fresh start. Life is messy and unsure and most of the time a little confusing but it's time to do what I need to do. Maybe it's moving on, out and up. Maybe it's doing what my heart needs to do. People say 'these are the best years of our lives.' I think its time for me to start acting like they are. It's scary and sometimes it sucks, but it's about being twenty-two and using that feeling to do something great.

Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win
And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight? We'll sing hallelujah!

So here it is. The best years of my life and I'm determined to make it so. Maybe one day we'll sing hallelujah.

What we do have.

October 18, 2009

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing & appreciating what we do have.”
-Frederick Keonig

Life is slippery.

October 17, 2009

I had one of those days that changed everything. Thanks previous blog. I'm learning perseverance. I'm learning to trust God. I'm learning that my plans might not always be His. It's hard when the idea that something else is there and you can't seem to accept it. I have to learn to accept it. I'm learning that what I want isn't always what He wants. There's something else for me. This might not be His master plan. I have understand that. I have to believe that. Because honestly, if I don't, what is there to believe in?

I have to believe that in five years, this isn't going to be more than just a mini roadblock and that I'm not destined to being a fry flipper. I have to believe that I've made it this far, and I'm not going to stop until I make it further. I have to believe that there is something greater in my future that I can't seem to figure out yet. All I have to do is believe.

One of my best friends said to me today, 'Either keep preserving because you honestly believe you love this, or find something else that's gonna make you happy.'

Here's to figuring it all out.

I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?

Today.

October 13, 2009

Isn't it weird how one day can change everything?

Today could be an anniversary. An anniversary of what was, what is, or what could have been. Today could be a breakup, the beginning, the end, or the hope of something fresh. Today could be the day your future is decided, the day your LSAT score is delivered. Today could be a meeting or an interview, a possibility to change the future. Today could be the day that changes tomorrow. Its amazing how much can happen in one day. What am I going to do about it? What is today going to be? What is it going to mean?

There are a lot of what if's. A lot of what could be's. What does today mean to me?

Today is the day to dream of trips to Italy, listen to old school Britney & the BEST of Michael Jackson. Today is the day to look through 9000 pictures from college, listen to Fergie and reminisce. Today is the day to drink 3 cups of coffee, write letters that mean something, believe in all the possibilities, act on all possibilities, read a new book, take a break, take a compliment, eat food that isn't good for you. Today is the day to tell the person you love that you LOVE them, plan a trip, wish for everything. Today is the day to love your dog, compliment your mom, ROCK out, find shapes in the clouds, laugh with your best friend, make a list, turn off the computer and take a walk outside. Today is the day to buy an outfit that makes you feel good, dream, discover ways to take over the world, think of new ideas, let go, kiss the person you love, laugh out loud. Today is the day to admit you're vulnerable, skype your best friend, watch TV because for a moment, it takes the place of sadness. Today is the day to finish something that is still unfinished, organize your life. Today is the day to believe you can do it all.

Lanvin's Spring show

October 11, 2009

Sometimes pictures do more than words. LOVE all of these.

Alexander Wang and Sonia Rykiel = genius.

It's the three of us.

October 10, 2009

Because it's about being there for each other.

A break in the routine.

Sometimes things aren't always how they used to be.

People change, feelings change, but sometimes change is what brings everyone back together.

Whit and I have been talking for a while that we needed a change from our routine weekend activities. As much fun as Olive&Ivy is, there is so much more to Scottsdale and this amazing city than that. So, since none of us are super crafty and painting was going to take too much effort we settled on pumpkin carving! Whit and Sam made a trip down to Schnepff's Farm to grab the pumpkins, I supplied the utensils & alcohol and we were ready. We had the best time. You know that laughter, that at its purest form makes you laugh until your abs hurt? Or those pictures that will always be hidden away in iPhoto because even though they show the pure joy in our faces are just a little to ugly to show. That's what this night consisted of - joy of friends in its most purest form.

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
so I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day[night] with you today.

October 8, 2009

The reason The Vampire Diaries is one of the best

shows on the CW right now.

sometimes we forget.

just a little piece.

October 6, 2009

Sometimes all it takes is a simple, little piece of acknowledgment. Just a little feeling that someone cherishes you. It doesn't need to be some big showy act in order for it to mean something, Sometimes all it takes is a BBM from a good friend to make your day. We have to stop being so focused on the flashy events. We need to slow down, take a deep, fresh breath and enjoy. We cannot forget how important the details are.

I had the best day with Coti today. It wasn't some big trip or journey to the end of the earth. It consisted of a trip to Kohls, Chick-fil-a and Wal-Mart. It was a great day. These are the kind of days you remember, the small detailed days.

One of my favorite moments.

I decide.

October 5, 2009

I heard this quote the other day, "Be here - just as you are" and I instantly fell in love with it. I think my favorite part of it is the 'be here' part. I know for me there are times that I feel like even though I'm here I'm not really - my head and heart is somewhere else. It's so important to give time to where you are. The minute we start wishing we were elsewhere is the minute we start losing little pieces of ourselves. Yes, there are times when I find myself in a place I don't want to be, be that a job, relationship, fight, ect ect, but it's my job to find peace in that place. Right now I'm having a hard time not knowing my future. Being the OCD planner-loving crazy that I am, not knowing my LSAT score and future law school plans is really throwing my chi for a loop. I'm learning to find peace in where I am. I'm realizing that I'm only 22 years-old and that I don't need to have my entire life planned out. It's okay to answer those nagging questions about life, futures, boys and jobs with "Yeah... so we'll see" It's okay to not want to rehash all the dirty details and to just move on. It's okay to just want a drama-free weekend.

I'm taking my own chances
And I'm finding my own answers
I decide how I live
I decide who I love
Choice is mine
And no one gets to make my mind up
I decide
I decide where I go
I'm the one who's runnin' my life

I know this may seem like a re-blog but it is what it is. So, I'm here, just as I am. Let's hope Arizona, law school and everything in between accepts just that.

“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.”

-Dale Carnegie

Kate gave me this picture above and I think the rush of the paint going into the drain is simply beautiful. So, here's to Kate and Currents, I know it seems like there's a lot going on right now, but keep rocking it out. Remember that you're a big badass senior Theta president. You can do this.

Do I ever?

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin’ for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one
I’m all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call
But I’ve lost all control
And I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all
And I said I wouldn’t call,
But I’m a little drunk
And I need you now

private practice.

October 4, 2009

"To remind you that you're not dried up."

-Rivals Grey's Anatomy.

Not all Obama-y.

October 1, 2009

This morning when I woke up I could tell something was different. Maybe it was the fact that Henry let me sleep till 9:45, or the fact that it was a refreshing 80 degrees outside, but something was different. I could tell by the way the sky looked through my window that today was going to be better. And since nothing says "Hello fall" better than navy blue nail polish & a manipedi with your best friend I was on my way. I don't know what it is about fall that puts everyone in a better mood. Maybe it's the fact that while everywhere else in the country is having to deal with actual cold weather, we're blissfully enjoying 85 degrees with a slight breeze, or maybe it's the fact that the holiday season is on the brink and everyone is starting to smell the pumpkin and see the christmas lights. I can't put my finger on it, but I think I might have a clue. Maybe it's the fact that it's kind of a celebration. We've made it through another year. In a year (or a couple) that have been miserably hard for people, through trials&tribulations, through fears, through hardships, through moments that seemed unbearable - we've made it. We're almost there - we're almost through another year. We proved that while sometimes life gets so hard it sucks, that we can get through it. We can get through the 110 degree summers with the hope that fall is going to bring the cool. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get all Obama-y on you here but it's as if, with fall comes a subtle change - a hope that everyone needs, a skip in everyones step. Throughout the course of a typical calendar year, life can really bog you down and fall is kind of like the pick-me-up.

So smile, fall is here, hope is here - we made it.

"Autumn begins with a subtle change in the light, with skies
a deeper blue, and nights that become suddenly clear and
chilled."
Glenn Wolff and Jerry Dennis

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