Some things never change, but some things change completely. For Lauren and I, almost everything as we know it has changed. We're unsure about where we stand at this point in our lives, 22 (and 23) college graduates unsure of whats next. But since 1st grade, everything for Lauren and I have been the same. SCA, Scottsdale, weekend sleepovers. No change in routine, best friends through and through. But in the last five years everything has changed. She moved to Waco, Atlanta and San Antonio. I moved to Malibu, Boston and back to Scottsdale. She has a career job and I have just a job job. Things have changed. But in this messy time of unsure thoughts, insecurities and change, one things always remains constant, us. Lauren's friendship is one of the most consistent relationships I have. It's one that isn't high maintenance, it doesn't require constant work. I'm never worried about where I stand with her, it's not hard work. Friendships, especially best friendships should not require hard work. She constantly encourages me, challenges me and loves me. She doesn't make me feel insignificant. She's real. So while everything around me is changing, and nothings ever the same, Lauren remains the same in my life. She will always be my constant in a world of change and that is one thing I'm completely sure of.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I spent some time this morning reading over some of my old blogs... it's weird, because it's instantly put me back in those places, the heartache, the nerves of graduation, and the feelings of insecurity. I think its a good thing sometimes to reflect on the pat, but I don't really know how to process all of those feelings, because for some of those feelings I am so far away from them, and the others, it's like I felt those feelings just yesterday. When I re-read (this one), I instantly felt the pang of sadness that writing this blog came with. I can't seem to think what if. What if I had taken advantage of the last 26 days more? What if I hadn't toasted the memories? But the biggest of all, what if I hadn't had that conversation? Where would 'we' be right now? Did I ruin everything so long ago that it can never been fixed? Honestly, I have no idea. In my perfect world, I'd jump back, erase that conversation and be here - in a totally different place but I realized a couple things this morning. After reading through my past blogs, I realized that there are many instances where I think "what if" But where is that going to get me besides regret and sadness? If I am always thinking 'what if' I'm never going to be able to make a decision completely. If I think 'what if' when deciding where to attend law school, I'm never going to go. If I think 'what if' I'll never be able to let go and do. Maybe I have to start thinking 'do, go, be.' Do things, go places, be something, be someone to the someone you love. Because the problem with what if's is that there never going to go away. If we let them, that thought process will always be there, but its what we do with it that matters. It's who we are. So at the end of all this, I realized that I don't have to look back on the past with sadness, but I can look at it all with joy and happiness and see how far I've come, without all the what-ifs.