April 9, 2010

I spent some time this morning reading over some of my old blogs... it's weird, because it's instantly put me back in those places, the heartache, the nerves of graduation, and the feelings of insecurity. I think its a good thing sometimes to reflect on the pat, but I don't really know how to process all of those feelings, because for some of those feelings I am so far away from them, and the others, it's like I felt those feelings just yesterday. When I re-read (this one), I instantly felt the pang of sadness that writing this blog came with. I can't seem to think what if. What if I had taken advantage of the last 26 days more? What if I hadn't toasted the memories? But the biggest of all, what if I hadn't had that conversation? Where would 'we' be right now? Did I ruin everything so long ago that it can never been fixed? Honestly, I have no idea. In my perfect world, I'd jump back, erase that conversation and be here - in a totally different place but I realized a couple things this morning. After reading through my past blogs, I realized that there are many instances where I think "what if" But where is that going to get me besides regret and sadness? If I am always thinking 'what if' I'm never going to be able to make a decision completely. If I think 'what if' when deciding where to attend law school, I'm never going to go. If I think 'what if' I'll never be able to let go and do. Maybe I have to start thinking 'do, go, be.' Do things, go places, be something, be someone to the someone you love. Because the problem with what if's is that there never going to go away. If we let them, that thought process will always be there, but its what we do with it that matters. It's who we are. So at the end of all this, I realized that I don't have to look back on the past with sadness, but I can look at it all with joy and happiness and see how far I've come, without all the what-ifs.

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen