Yesterday, I failed.

Friday, October 9, 2015

On Wednesday I told you that Thursday was a big day. Well everyone, it's Friday. Thursday has come and gone and that big thing I was wishing for resulted in a fail. Yes, I'm being cryptic, so take your guesses at what it was, that's fine. But all you need to know is that on Thursday, I was told I failed.

I hoped I would never have to write those words, but here we are. This post might seem all over the place, but I hope you find a little nugget that maybe you relate too, maybe you've felt, or maybe your life is awesome and you've only read about failure in others. Regardless, today I go back to my blogging roots, today is one of those posts where I just write.


Failure is such a funny thing. Maybe funny is the wrong word, failure is so ironic. Failure sucks. Failure is a mean word. Failure is discouraging. Failure is inevitable. Failure creates strength. Failure creates motivation. Failure creates success.

It's amazing the feelings you feel when you fail at something, especially when its something you really wanted.
My first emotion was, oh shit. My second emotion was to cry, because failure is feeling let down, but failure is also learning how to come to grips with a new idea. My third emotion was utter frustration. How, why and no were all in my thoughts. My fourth emotion was anger. How could I possibly fail. I worked so hard. My fifth emotion was what's next? Where do I go from here, what do I do? Where do I stand.? How do I stand? My sixth emotion was peace. 
Want to know the worst thing about failure? It's so dang embarrassing. I cannot tell you how much I hate calling my family and friends and telling them I failed. I mean, luckily for me, they're the most supportive people in the world. But I hate feeling like I let them down. I hate having to tell them I failed. And as much as I need their support I hate the feeling that they have to text me or call me and voice that support. I wish I could call with exciting news and celebrate with them.

But, like I said on Wednesday, the funny thing about my plan, that I'm finding out, it's almost always not God's plan for my life. One of my most defined characteristics is that I plan my life out like you couldn't imagine. I know what I'm doing next year, swear, ask me what I'm doing in June. I had this upcoming weekend planned out last year. It's in my genes. But then God has this plan that usually seems to contradict what I have planned. I'm not gonna lie, I've fought Him several times and sometimes I win! (or at least I think I win). And then I realize that while I 'won' in the short-term, God's plan is what wins and it's the life I'm living.

Yesterday sucked. It was not what I planned. But today, I'm realizing that when I don't have a plan and I trust in Him, things are so much better. So yeah, it's safe to say, I'm struggling a little. But luckily for me, I have the best husband, family and friends imaginable. They pick me up when I fail and I'm ready to succeed for them and me. I can't wait to share with all of you the good things that will come out of yesterday. It might not be for another 6 months, but it's gonna be great and it's gonna be so much better than what I had planned. I'm never going to stop moving forward.

So for now I'm going to head to Omaha to spend the weekend with those fabulous friends and family of mine. I'm going to celebrate my niece turning three, I'm going to sing at the top of my lungs at the Taylor Swift concert and I'm going to enjoy this unknown part of my life. I'll keep ya posted.

My emotion now is contentment.

5 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to that dreaded feeling of dialing up a friend or family member to have that conversation, but once it's done it's done. Each conversation, each day, is taking you a little farther away from your feeling of loss or from failure. The ups and downs make you who you are and will help you find your next big move. I'm sure birthday celebrations and taylor swift will help too ;-) Have a great weekend!

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  2. Oh I so hear you! Failure is such a hard thing because we often tie our worth into our successes. Which means if we don't succeed, we aren't worthy. It's a messy tangle we weave with that one. I loved this post. You're a wise woman!

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  4. 1. I'm sorry things didn't go the way you planned. I can TOTALLY understand and relate. I'm a huge planner too.

    2. I love that you can recognize God and his plan for your life being so much bigger than your own. That shows HUGE maturity in your faith.

    3. I love Taylor Swift! Did we just become best friends?

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen

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