We are all deserving.

March 7, 2010

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the word love. What is love…how do I see it? According to the dictionary – love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. It is as passionate as a love affair – it is desire. It seems like in the past year, there have been more engagements, more weddings, and more giant elaborate showcases of love… way more then I will ever need.

I guess I’m having a hard time believing in that kind of love. For those that read this blog, it’s apparent that I’m a cynical, obviously single girl trying to figure out myself, while trying to figure out this powerful emotion called love. I’ve been watching a lot of Boy Meets World and in one of the very first episodes Mr. Feeney talks about love as the most powerful force in the universe. It’s the only force that cannot be explained and it’s one of the only things that can truly change the world. While Mr. Feeney does have an amazing way with words and ideas he’s not the only one who’s jumped on the love bandwagon. In the past two weeks I’ve watched 2 of my best girlfriends jump, wholeheartedly into this passionate love affair we call engagement. I could not be more happy for them, they have found something and someone that they value greater then themselves. But what if I’m not supposed to find that? What if my life purpose is to be a great lawyer, a great friend, sister, and daughter but never to be a great wife? What if? I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends about this idea. I’ve talked to friends that are single and share my sentiment and those who are serial monogamists that don’t understand what it means to ever be single. But I’ve reached a conclusion – it’s fairly long so try to keep up.  I’m always the single one.  In a group of about 10 best friends, I’m the single one, I don’t do relationships. Yes, I’ve had relationships, but never five years, three years, I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Like I’ve said before I’m a relationship-phobe. But what I’ve learned is that I honestly don’t believe God would give me this love for people, and this great amount of love in my heart if I wasn’t supposed to find someone to give it too. So, while I’m almost 23, single and more confused than I was as a 15 year old freshman in highschool, I’m starting to find peace. I’m learning that right now, in this moment, being alone means I’m free – free to find myself before I find my true love. I can find my vocation and ultimately find me. I’m learning to find peace in the fact that old relationships do come back and that new ones will come and when I find ‘the one’ all this will be worth it. I’ve realized that the tingles on my arms and the butterflies in my stomach will come back in time, and that everything I want to happen, will happen, if I decide I want it. And at the most, I’ve realized that every time I think a sad thought, I can just think a happy one instead. I think real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God and coincidence for His grace. So, after all my thoughts of love, I still believe it to be the most powerful emotion one can exhibit, I do believe it can change the world – and I do believe it will change mine.

And like Sandra Bullock said tonight at the Academy Awards, “We are all deserving of love.”

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen