You know when you have those moments where writing is the only thing that feels right? Today is one of those days, please bear with me, today I'm digging a little deep and this could be a rambling of sorts.
Remember a few weeks ago when I told you about my epic fail? Well, it's been a few weeks since I felt the weight of that disappointment, a few weeks since I felt the anger. If I sit still and think really hard I can still feel my heart racing and my face getting hot. I can still feel the tears burning in my eyes as I try not to blink.
I can still hear the disappointment in other people's voices.
Sometimes when I fail, fall, lose or when something really bad happens I struggle. I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Doesn't everyone? Or is everyone else always cool, calm and put together? Regardless, I am the queen at self-induced pity parties. Something I'm really learning is that time, regardless of whether or not I want it too, it passes. The light at the end of the tunnel is eventually right in front of you and the dust eventually settles.
It's been three weeks, the dust has settled and now here I am, figuring out what I'm supposed to do with what remains. The plans I've had for my life have changed a little. I'm learning to rest on God's plan, well..backup... I'm learning to rest on God, because I have to be honest, I am 100% unsure of what His plan is for my life.
I think the worst part about failing, (now that I have all this clarity about failure - I hope you're picking up on the sarcasm), is failing to see my self worth. What am I worth when I fail? Where I am supposed to find my pride when the major thing I based it on is gone.
I'm learning that I find value in all the wrong places. I seek value in things that find no value in me in return. My blog for instance...while it provides me satisfaction provides no monetary value because I have yet to monetize it. (I'm a horrible blogger, I know). My job, well that's ever changing and while I love it, it will never love me back. What's next? My looks, my clothes, my things, others approval of me, instagram likes?
Why am I constantly seeking for value in things that are seemingly-valueless?
I think the best part abut failing is finding your self worth. (see, I told you I've found clarity). I'm learning to find my self-worth in things that find value in me. Amber, my blogging gal-pal, spoke (maybe yelled) right to my heart with her recent post. "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." If I ever questioned my self-worth, then I am silly, because God tells me in His word my exact worth. How much more reassurance can I get?
I am a daughter of Christ. I am a loved wife. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, a dog-mom. It seems so silly for me to question my self worth when it's so right in front of my face.
Sure, it's natural to find value in my job, my circumstances, my possessions. But it's so much better and so much more rewarding to find my self-worth in things worthy of it. To say I'm a work in progress is an understatement, but I'm learning and I am so lucky to have others around me reminding me.