Some things never change, but some things change completely. For Lauren and I, almost everything as we know it has changed. We're unsure about where we stand at this point in our lives, 22 (and 23) college graduates unsure of whats next. But since 1st grade, everything for Lauren and I have been the same. SCA, Scottsdale, weekend sleepovers. No change in routine, best friends through and through. But in the last five years everything has changed. She moved to Waco, Atlanta and San Antonio. I moved to Malibu, Boston and back to Scottsdale. She has a career job and I have just a job job. Things have changed. But in this messy time of unsure thoughts, insecurities and change, one things always remains constant, us. Lauren's friendship is one of the most consistent relationships I have. It's one that isn't high maintenance, it doesn't require constant work. I'm never worried about where I stand with her, it's not hard work. Friendships, especially best friendships should not require hard work. She constantly encourages me, challenges me and loves me. She doesn't make me feel insignificant. She's real. So while everything around me is changing, and nothings ever the same, Lauren remains the same in my life. She will always be my constant in a world of change and that is one thing I'm completely sure of. I spent some time this morning reading over some of my old blogs... it's weird, because it's instantly put me back in those places, the heartache, the nerves of graduation, and the feelings of insecurity. I think its a good thing sometimes to reflect on the pat, but I don't really know how to process all of those feelings, because for some of those feelings I am so far away from them, and the others, it's like I felt those feelings just yesterday. When I re-read (this one), I instantly felt the pang of sadness that writing this blog came with. I can't seem to think what if. What if I had taken advantage of the last 26 days more? What if I hadn't toasted the memories? But the biggest of all, what if I hadn't had that conversation? Where would 'we' be right now? Did I ruin everything so long ago that it can never been fixed? Honestly, I have no idea. In my perfect world, I'd jump back, erase that conversation and be here - in a totally different place but I realized a couple things this morning. After reading through my past blogs, I realized that there are many instances where I think "what if" But where is that going to get me besides regret and sadness? If I am always thinking 'what if' I'm never going to be able to make a decision completely. If I think 'what if' when deciding where to attend law school, I'm never going to go. If I think 'what if' I'll never be able to let go and do. Maybe I have to start thinking 'do, go, be.' Do things, go places, be something, be someone to the someone you love. Because the problem with what if's is that there never going to go away. If we let them, that thought process will always be there, but its what we do with it that matters. It's who we are. So at the end of all this, I realized that I don't have to look back on the past with sadness, but I can look at it all with joy and happiness and see how far I've come, without all the what-ifs.
"All of the significant battles are waged within the self."
My dad was such a stud, still is.
I got rejected yesterday. I got rejected by two law schools that I had high hopes of one day attending. It was my first rejection in this big crazy mess that I'm attempting to call law school. I failed. To say I wasn't upset would be lying, but instead of that deep sadness I thought rejection would bring, it actually encouraged me. (weird, I know.) It made me want this more, it made me fully realize that this isn't a walk in the park. It made me want to chase this goal of mine with even more vengeance. I realized that this is ultimately what I want to do, nothing else, nothing more. I want to be a lawyer, and even though I've been initially rejected, someone, some school out there wants me. So, keep your fingers crossed (I sure am) because one day, hopefully May 2013, I'll be walking across another stage, with another degree, ready to take on this world.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things fall apart just so others can fall together. But in the end what’s meant to be will always find its way.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the word love. What is love…how do I see it? According to the dictionary – love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. It is as passionate as a love affair – it is desire. It seems like in the past year, there have been more engagements, more weddings, and more giant elaborate showcases of love… way more then I will ever need.
I guess I’m having a hard time believing in that kind of love. For those that read this blog, it’s apparent that I’m a cynical, obviously single girl trying to figure out myself, while trying to figure out this powerful emotion called love. I’ve been watching a lot of Boy Meets World and in one of the very first episodes Mr. Feeney talks about love as the most powerful force in the universe. It’s the only force that cannot be explained and it’s one of the only things that can truly change the world. While Mr. Feeney does have an amazing way with words and ideas he’s not the only one who’s jumped on the love bandwagon. In the past two weeks I’ve watched 2 of my best girlfriends jump, wholeheartedly into this passionate love affair we call engagement. I could not be more happy for them, they have found something and someone that they value greater then themselves. But what if I’m not supposed to find that? What if my life purpose is to be a great lawyer, a great friend, sister, and daughter but never to be a great wife? What if? I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends about this idea. I’ve talked to friends that are single and share my sentiment and those who are serial monogamists that don’t understand what it means to ever be single. But I’ve reached a conclusion – it’s fairly long so try to keep up. I’m always the single one. In a group of about 10 best friends, I’m the single one, I don’t do relationships. Yes, I’ve had relationships, but never five years, three years, I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Like I’ve said before I’m a relationship-phobe. But what I’ve learned is that I honestly don’t believe God would give me this love for people, and this great amount of love in my heart if I wasn’t supposed to find someone to give it too. So, while I’m almost 23, single and more confused than I was as a 15 year old freshman in highschool, I’m starting to find peace. I’m learning that right now, in this moment, being alone means I’m free – free to find myself before I find my true love. I can find my vocation and ultimately find me. I’m learning to find peace in the fact that old relationships do come back and that new ones will come and when I find ‘the one’ all this will be worth it. I’ve realized that the tingles on my arms and the butterflies in my stomach will come back in time, and that everything I want to happen, will happen, if I decide I want it. And at the most, I’ve realized that every time I think a sad thought, I can just think a happy one instead. I think real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God and coincidence for His grace. So, after all my thoughts of love, I still believe it to be the most powerful emotion one can exhibit, I do believe it can change the world – and I do believe it will change mine.
And like Sandra Bullock said tonight at the Academy Awards, “We are all deserving of love.”
It gets harder everyday but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, please say
It's written all over my face
I can't function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess
'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows
How to make it work or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before everybody knows just how to make it right
I wish we gave it one more try, one more try, one more try
'Cause everybody knows but nobody really knows
I don't care what the people say, they're probably lonely anyway
Baby don't fill up your head with he said, she said
It seems like you just don't know, don't know
The radio's on, you tuning me out
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down
And I hope one day you'll see, nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess
I'm trying to find the words to say, please say
It's written all over my face
I can't function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess
'Cause everybody knows that nobody really knows
How to make it work or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before everybody knows just how to make it right
I wish we gave it one more try, one more try, one more try
'Cause everybody knows but nobody really knows
I don't care what the people say, they're probably lonely anyway
Baby don't fill up your head with he said, she said
It seems like you just don't know, don't know
The radio's on, you tuning me out
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down
And I hope one day you'll see, nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess
Hope is the thing with feathers.
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
-Emily Dickinson
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
-Emily Dickinson
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