Happy Thanksgiving - All the many things.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

thanksgiving - the day designed to thank those who mean the most to you, but i think it means more than that. i think it means recognizing the things in life that make you who you are and fully acknowledging that.
i am thankful for my amazing family, that despite my shortcomings, never cease to encourage me and cheer me on. i am thankful for my rad brother and his incredible girlfriend, who accept who i am, and never try to change that. i am thankful for the fact that, even after 4 years of college, i am still as close with my best friends (yeah fab 5) as i was in high school. i am thankful that i met Carly and Callie, my two best friends at pepperdine, that never let me fall. i am thankful for kappa, and all the beautiful girls I have met and been inspired by. i am thankful for cold, rainy days in Arizona. i am thankful for the fact that my hometown is paradise valley. i am thankful for all the boys that have come into my life, because they have shown me that no one is better than my dad and my brother. i am thankful for drives down pacific coast highway, because all it takes is one glance at the ocean to realize how blessed i am. i am thankful for Christmas cups at Starbucks and the warm goodness they hold. i am thankful for pepperdine, and despite it’s shortcomings, it has allowed me to reach a potential i never thought possible. i am thankful for my sister, who has allowed me to realize that it’s all about whats in your heart and not necessarily what’s visible from the outside. i am thankful for the fact that my parents still love each other, and have been an example to my siblings and i. i am thankful for my entire extended family, even though we don’t see each other often, they are always there. i am thankful for lazy days in Malibu, and the chance to have a girls night. i am thankful for Christmas, and the hope it brings. i am thankful for my grandmother, Grace, and even though we never met, she has inspired me. i am thankful for the chance i have been given to do something amazing. i am thankful for the multiple opportunities i have been given. i am thankful for those in my life, who, through the years are still there, cheering me on, loving me as much as i love them.
i am blessed, in more ways than my imagination could imagine and no blog will ever express the gratitude i feel for those in my life.


“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

A source of inspiration.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

inspiration for greatness.

Have I found you?

I just saw Twilight for the second time in 2 days, and it never ceases to impress me. I’m so intrigued by it, and completely in love with Edward Cullen :)

Anywayyyys - you know those songs that when you hear them it make your heart beat erratically and you just can’t seem to get enough? Well there’s this scene in the movie where Edward & Bella are dancing and this song plays. I don’t know what the lyrics mean but here they are - maybe you’ll get it.

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your straight blind eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair
I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat
Cursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide/white fence cracks
Kissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, brown hair bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big bill, stuck going down

that’s it - nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, but amazing and beautiful at the same time.

do you ever wonder if we’ve already found the one? if we’re walking around with that person day in and day out and have no idea? Sometimes, my biggest wish is that I’ll just know who I’m going to marry. Sometimes, I feel like if I just knew who he was, then it would make everything less complicated. But then I realize, that I’m not ready to meet him, and he must not be ready to meet me, we’re still being prepared for each other. My dad gave me a good piece of advice the other day… stop looking, you’re going to find the one, sometimes it just takes time. and as simple that is, maybe that's what we need to hear every once and a while, just stop looking because time takes it all.

sometimes all you need is a song to make your heart beat faster, sometimes all you need is to hear a simple piece of advice, sometimes you need to have faith, and sometimes all you need is one.

Direct quote.

you’re both a little crazy, both a little paranoid, and both a little nuts, and both are attracted to asshole guys, but both are the sweetest and nicest people in the world"

direct quote from one of my best friends, describing me.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

home at last & back to the basics.

This is the place.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

now starts the healing process. this is the place no one wants to be in, yet everyone finds them in it at one time or another. this is the place where you figure yourself out. you find yourself at the bottom looking up, knowing that it can only get better, you can only get stronger. this is the place where you cry and fight through, only to be a better version of yourself. this is where you hurt, struggle and let go of being tough, and let your guard down to those who can help you. this is where you determine if you’re going to move on, or if you’re going to stay. this is where you define you.
so here i am, healing. fighting. looking up. being weak, allowing myself to hurt, letting my guard down, only to become the best version of me.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.”
Here i am, looking to those who mean the most, my beautiful family and friends, who allow me to do all these things, not too long though, because at the end of the day, it’s all part of the process.
I took a chance, i took a shot and you might think i’m bulletproof, but i’m not, you took a swing, i took it hard and down here from the ground i see who you are.

This ain't Hollywood.

Say you’re sorry: That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to. As I pace back and forth all this time
‘Cause I honestly believed in you holding on, The days drag on stupid girl I should have known, I should have known

That I’m not a princess This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell, This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around.

Baby I was naïve, Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings; Now I know, and there you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me Just like I always wanted, But I’m so sorry

Cause Im not your princess This aint a fairytale.
I’m gonna find someone, Some day who might actually treat me well.

This is a big world, That was a small town. There in my rearview mirror, Disappearing now. And it’s too late for you and your White Horse to catch me now

Everywhere you go.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

You have people looking after you everywhere you go, even if you don’t know they’re there."

The Protected

The hardest battle.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

i could hold you for a million years [maybe]

Ya know when you’re so concerned with everyone else’s well being - so much that you don’t allow yourself to be true to you? Well I find myself struggling with that lately. It sucks. This is how I’ve been living my life:
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
And maybe this is how I need to live my life:
You owe it to yourself to love when hurt is all you seeYou owe it to yourself to be goodness, when hate is all you feelYou owe it to yourself to make loneliness obsoleteYou owe it to yourself to give the hungry some foodYou owe it to yourself to give what has already been given to you
(as seen on seans blog)
Maybe, I all just need to “owe it to myself” - do what I want to do, feel how I want to feel, owe it to me. Maybe, that’s when I’ll find true happiness.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sometimes I wonder, how much am I going to put up with? “How many times can I break till I shatter?” Sometimes I wonder, what it is going to be the final straw? “Over the line can’t define what I’m after” I understand that in life you have to pick your battles and figure out, within yourself, what you’re gonna let hold you down. “Give me a break let me make my own pattern.” But lately I feel like I let people walk all over me. “All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered.” I let how other people feel, define how I feel, and how other people act towards me determine my self worth. It’s like, I want to find someone and something that doesn’t make me second guess myself. “I always turn the car around.”
Recently my roommates and I have been having some relationship issues: Who’s right for us, what’s right for us and ultimately figuring out and fighting for what makes us the happiest. I feel like a lot of times we just need the ability to say how we feel, to find the words that describe our feelings - but at the same time, make sure that our feelings aren’t too strong and scare people away.
There’s always this line that people don’t want to cross. I’m so afraid of making people feel uncomfortable that I limit myself to what I say, “All I hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn’t say - what do I do, what do I say, with no one else to blame”
There are certain situations where I just want a reaction. I just want an expression, an opinion, a feeling. Because sometimes I just need to feel like I’m wanted, like I’m cared about enough to cause a reaction - I need to get through all the psycho-babble bullshit and feel something. “And when you take you take the very best of me. So I start a fight because I need to feel something you do what you want cuz I’m not what you wanted.”
This could be the very minute I’m aware I’m alive. All these places feel like home. With a name Id never chosen. I can make my first steps as a child of 21. Sometimes its time to start living your life, living your dream with no fear.
“Help me remember - The way that we used to be. When nothin’ else mattered “cause you were lovin’ me. Just for the night, one last time, one more good memory When I look back - That’s what I wanna see”

The Tired Advice.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

“But love is none of these things. It won’t suddenly make every day ok. It won’t change who you are. It won’t make your car go faster. It doesn’t even wash your dishes.
All love is, is love. And that’s all it needs to be, really."

She will always be safe.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

always loving, always praying, always there.

Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe.

We'll be okay.

Monday, November 10, 2008

“I’ll lean on you and you lean on me and we’ll be okay.”

Dave Matthews Band


Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where
there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.
- Ella Fitzgerald

At the top.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

When you’re at the top, remember what if felt like at the bottom. When you’re at the bottom, remember what it felt like at the top.
Good doesn’t last forever. Neither does bad.

breathing in deep.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I found this really create quote and it kind of relates back to my post in August

“waiting on a cure.”

When did I lose sight of the present, only to wait a little bit longer, in hopes of being happy.

I guess that hardest part is looking the present dead on, and accepting life for what it is. Accept that happiness is a state of mind and that contentment is obtainable. So breathe in deep, and stop waiting a little bit longer and be happy now.

I just think this idea of the here and now is so important. Tonight we had our last night before initiation and that's it. My last thing in Kappa ever, then I graduate. Then I graduate, then what? I need to focus on what’s going on today, right now, in this moment and really appreciate that, because before I know it, its gone.

When I was in Florence, at our first meeting of the summer, Dr. Benton told us, that, these next couple months are going to come with their challenges, we’re going to struggle and we’re going to have to learn how to push through, but we have to remember, it’s not about the destination- its about the journey.

Graduation is my destination at this point in my life, but would it feel as good and rewarding if I didn’t experience the journey that is my senior year? So, here I am, vulnerable, open and breathing in deep - so that I, can experience the journey.

I looked for the original, “Happiness is the journey” quote - it’s wonderful. Enjoy it and learn to find your happiness.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we’re frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We’ll certainly be happy when they’re out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza.

He said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with…and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you’re off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you’re born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

For those who are blind.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

so a good friend of mine and I were in class (cultural anthropology - blah) and he shared with me his blog.

I feel really blessed when people share something personal like this with me because it gives me a chance to see something that they might not share with everyone.

he’s inspires me to be better - so here’s an excerpt from his blog, to help inspire you.

This is for the broken hearted. This is for the fighters, who don’t know how to say yes to a no. This is for those who are tired of filling their tanks with standard when premium is really what you need. This is for those who admire admiration but love salvation. This is for the kid who i didn’t pick to be on my kickball team but if i saw him today, i’d buy him a Snickers. This is for my friends mom who I forgot to say thank you for all those banana popsicles on hot afternoons after school. This is for my mom who knew the best felt the worst and knows the better will feel even better. This is for those who are tired of pointing fingers and are interested in working up some calluses. This is for those who aren’t afraid to claim what they love. This is for those who can see with their heart, and feel with their mind. This is also for those who are blind, cause spit and mud sometimes works.

life changing.

“The people of this country are losing their way because our philosophy is losing its way.”

just a boy.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy



Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.

christmas in a cup.

they’re finally here.

when the rain starts to pour.

Monday, November 3, 2008

it’s those times when I really need them the most, that I realize how fricking awesome my friends are. you all know who you are - you’re all my strength. i love you all.

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, you’re love life’s DOA.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.

You’re still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these,
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.
Seems like you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst, I’m best with you.

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.

between the lines.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I love you because you took the time to read this sentence.

Be not afraid.

“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve
greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them."

William Shakespeare

(Twelth Night Quote Act: II, Scene V).

defending words.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I’m not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I’m sitting here thinking it through
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn’t have told nobody if I died, died for you

Please don't alter.

I’m not the most eloquent speaker, so I thought I would borrow a few words from Shakespeare. ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’ When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same. I look at Nathan and Haley and some how I feel safer. I don’t know if I can explain that, but they give me hope. And, I’m afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that. So, here’s to Nathan and Haley, and here’s to hope, and here’s to a love that will not alter.

-One Tree Hill

past imperfect.

Learning to let go.

Sometimes I have to realize that letting go of things in my life isn’t always a bad thing. In the past 8 months, it’s taken me everything I have, to accept the fact that I have to let things, people and ideas go.

Some wars are never over, some end in an uneasy truce, some wars result in complete and total victory - some wars end with a peace offering. And some wars end in hope. But all these wars are nothing compared to the most frigetning war of all, the one you have yet to fight.

Sometimes I find myself so caught up in whats going on that I can’t pull myself away to look at it from the outside. I get so caught up in trying to fix things that I don’t realize that all I have to “fix” is myself.

Last year I had a really good friend, or at least I thought I did. Her and I were closer than close, and it took a really big situation to realize that I needed to let her go. Some people just aren’t right for you. They drag you down, they make you cynical, they create a sense a doubt within yourself. Some things are just not right. Some times we have to be okay with letting go of things, that at the time, seem great, but in the end, can be our downfall.

The question is- are we strong enough to acknowledge those things? Are we strong enough to let go?

I think it comes down to change. To letting go of the comfortable. Sometimes I’m afraid of letting go, because I’ve invested to much time and interest in that person or thing that it seems like a waste to let it all go.

It’s really hard to come to that conclusion, that things and people we like may not be the best for us. This year has been a trial year. It’s been a test. Can I really let go of those things?

Skeletons and ghosts are hidin’ in the shadow. Threatening me with all the things that they know.

Choices and mistakes, they all know my name. I’m through holdin’ in and holdin’ on to all that pain.

all hallows eve.


my Halloween was so great, i couldn’t post. enjoy.

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