November 18, 2008

Sometimes I wonder, how much am I going to put up with? “How many times can I break till I shatter?” Sometimes I wonder, what it is going to be the final straw? “Over the line can’t define what I’m after” I understand that in life you have to pick your battles and figure out, within yourself, what you’re gonna let hold you down. “Give me a break let me make my own pattern.” But lately I feel like I let people walk all over me. “All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered.” I let how other people feel, define how I feel, and how other people act towards me determine my self worth. It’s like, I want to find someone and something that doesn’t make me second guess myself. “I always turn the car around.”
Recently my roommates and I have been having some relationship issues: Who’s right for us, what’s right for us and ultimately figuring out and fighting for what makes us the happiest. I feel like a lot of times we just need the ability to say how we feel, to find the words that describe our feelings - but at the same time, make sure that our feelings aren’t too strong and scare people away.
There’s always this line that people don’t want to cross. I’m so afraid of making people feel uncomfortable that I limit myself to what I say, “All I hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn’t say - what do I do, what do I say, with no one else to blame”
There are certain situations where I just want a reaction. I just want an expression, an opinion, a feeling. Because sometimes I just need to feel like I’m wanted, like I’m cared about enough to cause a reaction - I need to get through all the psycho-babble bullshit and feel something. “And when you take you take the very best of me. So I start a fight because I need to feel something you do what you want cuz I’m not what you wanted.”
This could be the very minute I’m aware I’m alive. All these places feel like home. With a name Id never chosen. I can make my first steps as a child of 21. Sometimes its time to start living your life, living your dream with no fear.
“Help me remember - The way that we used to be. When nothin’ else mattered “cause you were lovin’ me. Just for the night, one last time, one more good memory When I look back - That’s what I wanna see”

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen