August 4, 2008

so i’ve never really blogged before. i mean, whats really the point, an online ‘forum’ where random people can read your deepest darkest thoughts? I guess I’ve always been sort of a cynic for this kind of stuff. but then I stumbled across my friends blog, read a couple entries, took it for what it was worth, and here i am, blogging.

i’ve decided that relationships are for certain people, relationship people. i went to my friends wedding yesterday and for the first time, i honestly say what true love means. it was strange because ive been to lots of weddings, cousins, friends, i was even a maid of honor in one, but i never have actually felt the love that the couple supposedly is sharing, until yesterday. it literally made me cry because it was so raw. everyone felt it and everyone shared in it. it was absolutly surreal. and there it was, i am not a relationship person, as much as a people person. i need people around me, constantly. for some reason, ive grown up, so afraid of being alone. regarding friends, boyfriends, comrads, you name it, i have them around me. but when someone gets too close, becomes something more, i freak out, and send them packing. its like, i yearn for the companionship, but as soon as it becomes a relationship, i’m over it. maybe one of these days, ill find someone who just needs companionship- and then my problems of love and realtionships will be finished

I have this one friend who belives in the hope of soul mates, true loves and basically perfect harmony. not to say that i dont belive in true love, because hopefully one day, ill have the kind of love that makes people cry over, but this girl belives in it to the upmost. alot of the times i find it nauseating because of the hope she has in flowers, details and ‘i love yous’ but sometimes it makes me wonder, when did i turn from the girl with hopes of a fairy tale, to the cynical relationship-less girl with no more hopes then that of the grinch? does the constant need to be loved turn into the contant need to be needed? maybe one day i’ll be able to look some man in the eye and say i love you and mean it more then just ‘thanks for keeping me company’ until then, let them pass through, with the hope that one day they’ll need me.

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I love hearing from all of you and greatly appreciate all your feedback and comments! xx Kristen